Know whats right and whats not...

Anatomy and Histology

2012-01-04T20:10:00.000+08:00

~Exams in 12 days... and I am still in lala land... hahaha... typical of me... well I did read... ^^ haha...

the fact...

2011-09-07T02:08:00.000+08:00

Too bad I am no longer looking forward to the holidays...
My heart feels like it has been slashed by a thousand blade...
Now I no longer hope anything from you...
I hurts but...oh well, I have to get over it somehow...
I prefer the harsh people here the you for now...
I need time to heal cause now I just cannot feel...

on 2nd thought

2011-08-27T19:58:00.000+08:00

on second thought... I don't wanna leave....

But I have to...

- get a convincing result
- get closer to Allah
- get a good and fruitful life

I have yet to pack... -.- so in 10mins time shall pack and at 9.30pm need to sleep...
My flight is at 7am but need to be there early...

~ I feel so scared ~

Kuih Raya

2011-08-17T16:22:00.000+08:00

The most difficult kuih to make is SUJI, if your hands are not delicate enough, you break the dough while moulding, if you are too delicate, you don't get nice pattern(the cracks)... it took me like what... 2hrs just to mould 60 (x.x)

Next kuih... chocolate chip cookies... using the chocolate which I bought from Russia that they claim it's from Germany...

2011-08-04T23:00:00.000+08:00

This year maybe the last year I am coming back home... the rest of the years, I'll just stay there or travel... I've had enough. A sister who lies is really sickening cause in the end, the elder ones always gets the shit... You may be a 4 year old but that does not give you the right to demoralise someone and the one who demoralises(parents) always side the young one... I have had enough of this shit... how I wish I wasn't born or rather SHE wasn't born... - yeah evil I know... but HEY, I have feelings too... and I don't fake cries or roll then fall then blame someone else...

Welcome to my stinking life... I go back home, I get shit and go there...more shit... shit always comes...

And this is the month of Ramadan and these happen...

I am starting to hate life very much... honestly, I feel more stress here then there... thanks to you know who... A pain seriously a pain...

I think I am just going to ignore HER from now onwards and behave like as if she NEVER existed... Nothing good have ever happened to me so far since she came. A disaster child... and A BIG FAT LIAR...

true heart

2011-08-02T11:26:00.000+08:00

I think I am quite messed up... I seriously don't enjoy coming back to Malaysia... I really miss Volgograd... even the day before departing back here, I wasn't excited unlike other people...

Ungrateful. Some may say but yeah... haiz... I am just waiting... thank goodness I brought back some materials to study, but I barely touched them...

My youngest sister is pain... I want to stay as far away from her as possible... stubborn monkey... because of her, I don't think I want to have a child once I get married... well not like her at least.

It's the second day of Ramadan by the way and I won't be able to celebrate Eid here... Am quite excited about that actually. My first Eid away from the "home" ...

Well I really need to be patient being here...

my difficulties

2011-06-29T01:45:00.000+08:00

Oh My God... how am I suppose to memorise things without understanding... I remember by logic and understanding... but chemical equations and reactions... like WHAT..... -.- ok I figured I won't do so well this year... but will still try my best... ohhhh the horror... the thing about exams is that I don't mind getting the questions and screwing them... the problem comes when I have to get back my screwed up results... ohhh the horror... But one thing here it's not just the results... the kind of question and which teacher... ohhh the terror...

But then again... no point arguing... I have to face it... ALONE... Me... Pen... and THE Paper... + the teacher... -.- hoho... scared much... -.- I just want to finish this and go home in one piece- back to my family and apologise to them...and by then maybe I won't be in one piece anymore... T.T ... but it's ok... it will work out ... somehow...

I am done for

2011-06-25T04:08:00.001+08:00

Well tomorrow is Biology Examination... like YAY ... oh... I am dead that's what I know...

A house

2011-05-23T04:32:00.000+08:00

After 2 days of long search and worrying... we finally found 1... Alhamdullillah...
the location is just right... the price is awesome... the cleanliness not so... - may need to clean ourselves... there were cockroaches... so yeah... -.- but it's ok ^^ I will find the nest and do something about it... Am satisfied and happy... ALHAMDULLILLAH

Privacy

2011-05-16T21:30:00.000+08:00

Am I suppose to tell the world my problems just so that the people around me would understand? I have reasons that I cannot tell cause it's PERSONAL and so I'll say, I have something to do and then give me that look and talk behind my back... Well continue talking... cause you know ain't nothing... Thanks for disrespecting me...

When I am so messed up you just came to slam the door and ask damn rudely, how the hell do you expect me to give a nice and proper reply...

I like to say life is hard but then again, compared to what?
So what am I suppose to say? Well, this is life... full of obstacles and uncertainties. After one problem is solved, another one will pop up and it will be BIGGER and HARDER... ~ that's the life that I have been living...

For one maybe it is good cause it makes me closer to Allah? Maybe I will be stronger? Maybe this is the only kind of life my soul know how to live in?

But for whatever the reason, I am thankful that I am still living. Alhamdulillah.

Some things are meant to be kept away from others, but the others don't understand. What will you do?

Studies

2011-05-14T22:01:00.000+08:00

OMG I am so mess up... I am screwed... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH -.- I cried only Allah knows how many times...

-Anatomy
-Latin
-HISTOLOGY!!!
-Chemistry
-Biology
-Physics

=History
=Russian
=Maths

I hate myself ... I easily get tired... sheesh... stupid excuse...

EXAMINATION
25 June - Biology
30 June - Chemistry
4 July - Physics
8 July - Latin

10 July - GO BACK HOME

-s o l i t t l e t i m e y e t s o m a n y n e e d t o s t u d y-

ALRIGHT LET's DO THIS wheeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssss....

please lah

2011-04-24T22:33:00.002+08:00

Why the hell do you think I want to skype so often? Not just to gain emotional support... but to detox my mind from all the shit... LIKE DUH... So disappointing and there you are assuming that I follow only what people say... HELLO I have my OWN filter ok... I have my own mind to think and judge cause I share no heart, no mind and no soul with anybody... FYI...

just disappointed of how you think of me... and I am seriously taken a back...

disgrace

2011-04-11T00:18:00.000+08:00

I don't know if they know that whatever they do actually make ppl judge... yes humans make mistakes but if it's repeated too often... something is wrong... because of that ppl start thing negatively... I judge too but when I judge and tell or say, I expect one to improve and change for the better... but oh well who am I right? am just a girl AND a junior... why the hell would you want to listen to me... my reply... whatever... at least I have done my part in telling you and since then my responsibility is lifted...

light

2011-03-19T02:33:00.000+08:00

I have made up my mind...

I did choose the right profession

My attitude just sucks...

Am so stupid, I don't deserve to enter Med. School...

-.- Am disappointing so many people and yet I didn't realise the damage that I have done...

How can I be so careless... so unthoughtful? So disgraceful?

I have to change... I don;t like my current self... I want to change to be a better person...

Sleep less but dream more... and my dear body you have to co-operate with me

Am breaking the record of not falling sick

I am trying hard to excel, but I think my technique for now is wrong... I have to modify some part... Somewhere...

Ya Allah please give me guidance...

It's hard... and I can never do it alone...

I am sorry...

~shees

2011-03-13T04:24:00.002+08:00

Next week is going to be a hell of a week...
Anat. test + Latin test + Russian rasskaz + Chem.concluding

wheeeeeees... I will TRY my best...
I somehow feel that next week is going to be a good week...

The world is very unstable now... not just geographically but socially, economically and so on and so forth...
Is there going to be a place to hide and seek shelter? I wonder...

Not really sure of what's ahead
all we can do is just to wait...
Only time will tell,
but how long will it take?

Humans have done so much damage being selfish caring about their own comfort... neglecting the environment and nature's cycle... For every cause there is an effect and it's for that cause, we suffer... Whether you like it or not, we have to admit that it's our fault for all the things that happened and are going to happen... whether we like it or not, we are humans and not God... we cannot achieve everything by ourselves... In the end we still have to go back to HIM...

Why is it so hard for them to realise... Why are ppl these days so ignorant... so weak and vulnerable...Why?Why?WHY? ...

The World's problems are also my problem cause Earth is where I'm living and I share this world with millions of ppl... who are divided, segregated, indoctrinated and controlled... -making them minding their own business+selfish+think in a box...

The Box refers to life on Earth...ever wonder what's outside the box? ... Life after Death... Exactly where do we go after we die? ... Why were we even created since soon we are made to die? ... What is soul exactly?...

-Maybe I'm just thinking too much or... they ain't thinking at all...

Earth is such a beautiful place and the ones that are ugly are us humans...
Someone has got to make a change... a positive change, not like what's been happening now...
I hope for a better future but I am preparing for the worst...
Even thought with technological advances, only some can see that people nowadays are going more backward...

i hate myself...

2011-03-08T05:33:00.001+08:00

i feel hollow... I just want to scream... shout... cry...

I'm gonna build a thick layer of amour... make fake smiles... and pretend... I'm going to fake it like it's real... and become the great pretender... Cause I've learnt my lesson... I always learn the hard way... I have come a conclusion that the word happiness doesn't exist for me on this Earth... If I enjoy, there are others who are suffering... -that's selfish of me... My aim now is to make others happy never myself... cause somehow... I feel betrayed... Maybe they don't mean it... but what is done is already done... Now only time will tell...

I have to face the fact that I'll always be alone... where ever I am... even when I'm with my friends/family... I'm still a lone... cause they are not me and so they can never understand me... I'll lock myself up now... I'll listen but I'll do things my way... no point asking for help... everyone is useless... but the most useless is me... I hate myself...

Again I feel the urge to die... but am I really ready to die... what have I done exactly so far... practically nothing... how am I suppose to answer to Allah if I were questioned...

struggle struggle struggle... i don't really know what am i doing... All I know is that I'm fighting for a place in Heaven and not get dipped in Hell... For that reason alone I keep going... cause I know what ever the outcome... Allah is the best judge HE knows everything... even my true self which I don't even know...

Sabar...sabar... sabar...

time

2011-03-07T14:56:00.000+08:00

When one say they have no time, it means that they are dead...

When one say they are busy... I will get damn pissed...

Like hello... I also have better things to do ok... but I'm sacrificing my precious time for you and you can't do the same...

You know I've enough of making time for others but little for myself...

I get disappointed... Maybe due to the fact that my expectations on other people are too high... Maybe it's just my fault... Cause I understand if anything that goes wrong it's always my fault... This is why I find it so hard to love myself... It's so irritating... and it hurts... I lot... Maybe I have so psychological problem and I think too much... it's sick so sick... I feel so useless... the one who can only understand me is Allah...

I feel like cutting of my relation with other people... Just me alone... in a cave... or some forest... where people cannot find me... the greatest enemy is myself... but the greatest pain comes from other people... I'm not sure if I'm strong enough... but I'll try cause I won't know till I try...

Everyone's the same ... love to waste time... not just theirs... but others as well...

I am wondering if medicine is a correct choice... am contemplating... other people don't support me and I myself cannot support myself... I am broken... today shall solat taubat and I shall wait and see...

Death

2011-01-08T17:24:00.000+08:00

Death it doesn't just come and go... it lingers... it lingers till ceased to be remembered...

It seems to me that Death constantly wants me to remember of him... My holidays are not filled with joyful occasions even thought there were some... Summer Hols... my late grandmother and just recently last night on Winter break, (Puteh) my room-mates' cat... He came without a sign... He came and left without a sight...

2011

2010-12-31T23:29:00.000+08:00

Oh...2010...you are such a horrifying year... I shall never forget you...

1/1/11 - my seniors are getting married... yes here in Russia...but no not to a Russian...to another Malaysian...so will be busy tomorrow, on the first day of the new year...

Am having my winter break now which will last till 9th Jan... the weird thing is that it's not snowing... last year we had blizzard... but this yr the other countries are experiencing it... Am worried that later just suddenly we have snowstorm... well I don't mind if there's snowstorm during exams cause they will be cancelled though ^^ haha...

I am freaking lazy... heavy procrastinator and it's eating me up ALIVE...

about 5hours till new year... but I don't really celebrate it...

Did fried chicken today... manage to duplicate KFC ^^v haha ...

Seriously I have no idea what to blog about...

Oh today I went swimming AHHHHHHH... Kak Nadiah and myself we had the whole pool to ourselves as the others were preparing for new yr... OMG its so AWESOME...
I swam about 40 laps ^^ hehe ... but now am so tired... I feel like retiring for the day... it's 6.30pm here and it's very dark outside...

there were some fireworks display as well... ahhh... well... I am an idiot...and a lazy fool... going to sleep now haha ^^...

no more talking

2010-12-16T21:21:00.000+08:00

see...see... again it happened... I bloody hate it...

1. I made plans then suddenly someone just have to come and ruin it
2. I say something and people just take it as it is...

I vow to never speak my mind again... no more opinions or what so ever...

Critics...

2010-11-24T00:14:00.001+08:00

DRAINED... STAINED....

I have not been blogging for a while to prevent any evil remarks from being posted on this blog...

Life is such a bitter struggle... but this is life here on Earth... and not Heaven and as such... we suffer here first for a while... THEN we enjoy...

I AM TIRED........................

2010-09-22T18:15:00.000+08:00

I cannot blog anymore...my parents don't allow me...

~.~

2010-09-16T15:17:00.003+08:00

Whees... OK PEOPLE... time is running out... JPJ exam next week(driving)... then 1 day after that is my departure... starting 2 days from now will be having my driving trials...

and I LOVE MY PHONE ^^v hehe it's so awesome... I love the camera... AHHHHHHHHHHH... hehe...

2010-08-31T15:11:00.002+08:00

The past keeps haunting even though you keep moving...

No matter how little you have done...there is always a consequence...

A consequence of cause or a consequence of matter...

So do good to others not because they are good to you but because you are better...

In the reality of life

2010-08-27T15:33:00.003+08:00

On the 13th of Ramadan...23 August 2010... my one and only grandmother left us. Should I feel guilty or happy that I was the last person to recite the Syahadah to her before she stopped breathing?... and on the same day...some things just went wrong...

One can never forget the past but it's up to you to decide to view it in a positive or a negative light... it's all about choices... You can choose only one out of thousands/millions of paths that lay ahead of you...but there can only be two outcomes... The Fire or The Garden...

For every evil you do...it is bound to get right back at you... people do change... but it requires time... The whole universe revolves around time... but time itself is subjective... Once time has stopped it would all be made clear but by then... it's too late to change...

Throughout your life always purse

sensitivity and kindness

as your chosen way

A sense of humor is wonderful

Hold on to yours

Being able to laugh at the world

will see you through many hard times

Guard against bitterness and sarcasm

they can destroy you. Be yourself

The world will benefit from your talent

Search for people who love

and appreciate you for who you are

and encourage you to improve

Don't be satisfied with less

than all you can be

for you have greatness within you

~.~

2010-08-10T22:53:00.003+08:00

As I live through life...I can never seem to run away from it...

It's either I'm the one creating it...

or the it chases me...

What to do...life is never a bed of roses...

Strive...Strive and strive...

assuming that you never dive...

Taking driving lessons... Thursday is my Highway code exam...

-.- not easy... well for me that is... I'm trying... I think I am... but to tell you the truth...

I'm not sure...

Have you ever come to a point in life wondering and all confused about EVERYTHING? Currently I feel like I am swimming in an open sea... just swimming... not knowing where I'm going... I feel useless... you see no land... but you're are still swimming in THAT direction... believing that what's ahead is land... BUT you don't know...

To put in simple words... I FEEL LOST... cause here I have no goal... what to do...it's the holidays... too free... took up driving but it ain't working... I still feel bored... I'm a mess...

I thought that going back...I won't have any problem... but it turns out, I have a MAJOR problem... so major that I feel at lost... insecure...apprehensive...

Ramadan is here... I need to pray and ask from HIM... I feel so sick of myself... so weak, so frail...

These are one of those days that I'm depressed...

AM HOME...AM HOME...

2010-08-03T11:41:00.002+08:00

FINALLY... after 5-6days of torment.... I am finally HOME... haha ^^ have been travelling A LOT these past few days... My BABY SISTER is as cute as EVER... MY BROTHER WHO IS 5 YRS YOUNGER THAN ME IS NOW TALLER THAN ME... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....Ugh so irriating... But you know... I feel tall after landing in SIngapore Airport... cause in RUssia I feel so SHORT... - well Asians are shorter than Europeans... so yeah...

Glad to be safe back at home with my BOLSTER... I slept 12hrs last night... ^^ hehe...

2 days back went to KAMAL bookstore to get my medical books... then hotel... next day... PutraJaya...for sight-seeing ... then took the coach back home... ^^ hehe so happy... to get medical books... I MISS IKAN KELI... and so todays menu is fried ikan keli ^^ haha... my parents are so AWESOME... and so are my siblings.... ^^v I MISSED THEM SO MUCH ^^ haha...

OK GOT TO BATH then eat... and eat...and eat...

I'm GOING HOME

2010-07-30T05:03:00.002+08:00

I'm leaving Volgograd tomorrow .... YAY I want to go home... I want my FAMILY... my BED... my RIBENA... haiz so tired I have finished packing only left a few than I have to seal everything... Tomorrow I need to buy peach... cheese... and burger...

Need to wake up early tomorrow to fry mee... AHHH... so tired goodness...have been running all over the place to settle visa and buy souvenirs... I didn't buy much... cause I am not here as a tourist... just as a student... so not many... plus whoever wants something... you can ask me to buy for you for the next 6 yrs (provided IF I am not kick out by the Uni.) ... yeah ok... I need to save up internet for tomorrow and I want to sleep...

Oh by the way...today the temperature was 45 degrees... so yeah I was sweating like a mad dog -.- ...haiz...

ok off to sleep... no bath first... so STICKY... even with 2 fans on ....

BIOLOGY...I want to go home

2010-07-25T03:28:00.002+08:00

I want to go home... -.- I don't want Biology... I'll die...I'll die... my Bio. teacher don't like me... 75 questions... OHHH.... DIE...DIE...DIE...

screams, cries, scowl ...AHHHHHH

2010-07-14T23:05:00.010+08:00

Somebody STOLE my chocolates and I am NOT HAPPY...well whatever... to whoever who stole my chocolates...see you on Judgement Day...

Ahhh... I don't want to study... -.- it's RUSSIAN TEXT and its 16 of that super long torture... ahhh I don't want study... I am going to die I tell you... but I cannot let this subject drag me down... this is torture... even the 3years don't have 16 super duper long terrifying rasskas to study T.T ... I am holding on by a thin fine thread... gasping for air.... sobs...sobs...sobs... AHHH WTH I haven't even start memorising 1 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..... -hits head on the wall- I feel so dumb... and I feel so sad... T.T ... AHHH HOW?HOW?HOW? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...............................

Ok if UmiAbah were to see this... they may personally come here to kill me... T.T ... sobs...

I need to study...I need some motivation to study... I have to study... I must... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....

- Ya Allah please give me the motivation to study... to study THIS language... that is also one of your languages... I need this... I MUST HAVE IT in order to survive in Russia... T.T ... sobs...sniff...sniff... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....

I need to secure my sanity... T.T ... I chocolate... thank godness I bought replacements for my stolen ones... Do you have any idea how pissed I was yesterday??? ... If I were to have a knife... I would have gone on a killing spree but instead... I cried because I was so frustrated... and I ended reading my love letter and praying... then cry again then somehow ended up watching CSI... -.- ... when actually I was suppose to be memorizing my text.... 3 things happened yesterday...

1. When I woke up yesterday...my mood was lousy...

2. The dean/dekanat meeting...

3. SOMEONE STOLE MY CHOCOLATES

But the 3rd event pissed me off like anything... cause when I woke up I was feeling pretty down and lousy...then that afternoon I was about to start reading my rasskas when Areena came and told me that the dekanat wanted to see us...(like then and then...no warning or what so ever) we first when to Kim... then they told us that it's not at Kim but Uni. Main building... so we went... then all they had to say was...: 'don't worry about your documents you will be promoted to 1yr...' ...I was so speechless... I was like WTH you made us travel all the way here just to say that? Excuse me I have known that long long long time ago... at that time I was already like clenching my fists... and Areena was throwing a tantrum(soft), all I could do was laugh to change my negative energy to the positive... so to calm myself... I went shopping for ice-cream to restock...cause it's burning here... the temp. hit 40s ... and the wind itself is hot... -.- ... then I went home hoping that chocolates can cheer me up for the day... I opened the freezer... and I was extremely furious... my KINDER BUENO pack of 3 ... containing 6 bars of chocolate....was missing... DO YOU HAVE ANY FREAKING IDEA HOW I FELT?... I cried... yes I cried... I was at verge of exploding... but I controlled myself like anything... I went from one room to the other asking if anyone had chocolates to spare... luckily one of them had some... I was feeling so down...so angry...so ugh... I kept those chocolates especially for Examination period cause I knew I was going to feel down especially for Russian Language Exams... cause that subject is NOT my cup of tea... I kept those chocolates for 2 weeks...OK... suppressing my desire to eat them before exams... and then SOME BARBARIAN stole them from me... EXCELLENT...

And so today, I bought chocolates and labelled every single bar before putting them in the fridge... if anyone dares to steal my chocolate again, I swear I am going get my own personal fridge... If it's food, you can steal any kind of food from me but NOT my CHOCOLATES ...

Many people should know by now that I am actually a melancholic so to change that and make me happy I need chocolates... to make me happy... and more outgoing and vocal... and also to keep my sanity... if not all I'll be thinking of is death and how cruel life is...-crazy right? but it's the truth... and I cannot deny it... I feel disappointed and depressed very easily... so I need something to make me happy... and chocolate is something that I love and it has been my remedy... just don't take my chocolate away from me... or I'll be a psycho...

Separation...

2010-06-27T01:28:00.002+08:00

The 6yrs have graduated and they are leaving -.- while I have even taken any of my exams... oh... it's depressing... but life has to go on... cause time waits for no one it ticks every nano-seconds...

Exams: 12 July till 28 July ... -.-

Rights... Rights you say?

2010-06-26T00:06:00.006+08:00

What right I have? Simple... It's my blog, my facebook under my platform...my ideas... my views... and my concept... not happy? Fine then don't read... are you one of those people living in denial... I am not condemning, I observe and I have travelled... and to make things worse I am a medical student in Russia( and I am not a Russian)... one of the toughest place to live with all the comforts and pleasures of the world. I type base on what I see... Try proving me wrong... all that alcohol...all that disco-dancing...basically the society today is screwed up... do you even know why you exist? God could have just create another soul apart from yours to replace yours...so why you? Why here in this world and not any other? Why here? Have you ever thought of that? I am not condemning I am asking theoretical questions... in which only you can answer... some people they refuse to admit and think that they know... some people they don't give a damn... while people they know... Which group are you?

My aim is not to condemn but to raise awareness... so now... are you aware of that? It's up to you to view it positively or negatively...since you say I condemn it means that you are taking my words negatively... Why? Is your mind so constricted that you only accept what you think and not others... the moment you read other people's blog it's respectful to respect people's view because you want to know what I type... you either respect it or just shut it or simply share your ideas.... you didn't even know why I type such entries... and you didn't even ask... in other words your aim is to provoke me and not understand me... now that is you problem...

Ask me ^^v and I'll answer ^^ ... what exactly are you referring to? My poem? My entry? My profile facebook? What? ... I'll be happy to explain ^^

When I type something I want people to know of their mistakes... by finding the problem you are already solving part of it. What? You expect ME to shut up and say... "It's not my problem" ... Well... SORRY I am not that kind of person because I am not selfish and I want people to change for the better... not just myself because I don't walk this world alone... There is you, they, me and we... I criticize cause I want you to know something that I do and with that info I expect you to IMPROVE on yourself... it's not just you... me as well... in other words OURSELVES...

They have all the right to condemn Prophet Muhammad... and say that it's freedom of speech... WOW... so where is mine...? Hmmm... I am a human being who still have my voice-box on... Try stopping me... Kill me... fine... see you in Hell ^^ ... Don't challenge me... Cause I have no boundaries... I dare... do you?

Criticize and complain... -bleeds my heart out- ... so cause I criticize, judge and complain... as long as you are human you do all these things... you telling me you never complain before? you telling me you never judge before?you telling me you never criticize?(look at you tag message Handsome) ... I am not saying that my judgement apply to everyone... but it goes for the majority...

As s student... you study study study... when you start working...you work work and work... when it come to entertainment(de stressing)... music....movies...alcohol... disco... - that's all to life? Where is your religion? No wait... WHAT IS YOUR RELIGION? ... because without a religion...you have no basic identity... ok fine you have a name... so? Do you know who you are? or WHAT you are... -I am not condemning those ARE theoretical questions... I want you to think... and think hard cause sometimes the answers are harder than it seems to be... I am challenging you to challenge yourself to think at a higher level... think outside of the box... think think and think...

If you only think inside the box... it means that you are just worried about the surface of the water and not what's under water... why so constricted ...so deprive... you are the one making yourself deprive and constricted cause everything is up to you... if there are other factors affecting you... that's just because it's you who is the one letting those factors affect you... So you telling me that you are so easy to be manipulated and controlled till you can't accept other people's views... or is it that you are egoist? I am not looking down or criticizing... I am pointing out your character...

Small you say... you know in order to create a big and drastic change you have to start from small... In other words it's better for me to complain about things when it's small before it gets big...-even a 3yr old knows that....cause by making a angry face... they start crying even before you hit them...- The problem comes when you are blinded, unable to see all the small things... and as time passes by it accumulates and the problem becomes bigger and critical... -Prevention is better than cure...as proverb very common among medical students...if you were to change it to suit our lives it becomes... Prevention is easier than solution...

Crumbled

2010-06-10T22:51:00.002+08:00

I am pathetic because I make my parents suffer... I know but the only thing I can do here is study... am thinking about getting a job during the summer holidays... I cannot make them suffer... I love them and yet... I make them feel pain... I am the pain... sometimes I feel that I don't deserve this treatment... people are all nice to me but in one way or the other, I make them sad, angry, worried... in other words suffer... I want to break off from that chain... a chain in which I don't hurt people in every aspect... financially, physically, emotionally and so on and so forth...

I feel so irritated with myself...

2010-06-02T21:42:00.003+08:00

Some people think that they are so smart... well I like to think that I am dumb... many have asked 'why you have to put yourself so low?' ... the answer is simple... self-preservation ... ^^v I like to think that I am the worst of the worst but that does not mean that I am useless... I like to proof people wrong since they think that they are so 'smart' ... I am unpredictable and I love to be ... no one knows me better than my family and myself...and of course Allah... So don't judge me...

I can do whatever I want to do and everything it's up to me to decide... I live by my principles and I live by Allah's rules... I hear people out but in the end, the judgement is up to my parents and myself to decide... I don't walk this world alone... I share my knowledge and I compare...

Youth nowadays they love to rebel... not by words but actions... they think they know what's right, they think they know what's wrong... they think that they are smarter... but do they? -See no evil, hear no evil and say lots of evil- that's what they are today... Blinded and deafen by reality... it's sad but that's the outcome of the disgusting system... not just education system... it's all of it... political, social, financial... it's disgusting... I know but do you know? Are you one of those ignorant ones...

I don't hear people asking the question WHY these days any more ... they just accept how things are... they just couldn't be bothered...living in an illusion... prefering to stay ignorant... how humane ... change your mindset cause what you see is not what you get...

I pray that someone from past history will be born again... ^^ hehe but can you guess who? I wonder...

my reference

2010-05-23T02:54:00.001+08:00

Open Cydia > Go to "Manage" at the bottom > Go to Sources > at the top right, tap "Edit" > at the top left, tap "Add" > you'll want this to be in the box that pops up (the http:// is already there) http://cydia.hackulo.us/ > after you've added that, tap "Add Source" > let it load > now go back to your Sources > under the "Entered by User" section, tap on the Source you just added (Hackulo.us) > Next, you'll want to look for "Installous" on that list > tap it > at the top right, tap "install" > at the next top right, tap "Confirm."

THERE YOU GO. Finished. now on your springboard (where your app icons are) you'll see the Installous app icon. Tap it, and you should be able to see what to do from there.

What you need ?

Jailbroken iPod Touch (firmware 3.1 and above) with Cydia installed
Internet connection thru iPod Touch

Make sure your iPod is connected to the internet
Open up Cydia
Go to Manage
Open up Sources
Click Edit then Add
Enter http://cydia.hackulo.us and click Add Source
Click Add Anyway and wait until Return to Cydia button appears then click it
Click Done
Click Hackulo.us
Click AppSync for OS 3.1, Install and Confirm
Wait then click Return to Cydia and then repeat step no. 9 and no. 10, BUT now installInstallous
Now you can find Installous on your springboard

NB! : Please install any FREE app from iTunes Store before adding apps from Installous ! You may also access Installous from http://appulo.us/appdb/, download the IPA and add thru iTunes

AHHH

2010-05-22T00:57:00.002+08:00

So many things to do so little time -.- ... Anatomy Test AND rasskas on Monday...

another rasskas on Tuesday and I have to give a talk on Tuesday... Ahhh I think I am going to eat chewing gum while I give the talk... it's to DISTRACT me so that I don't feel scared or panic... as usual... I used to do this in the past as well... cause that's how I maintain my composure... -.- haha am pathetic I know... -.- ...but that's me ^^ haha ... am not perfect and can never be BUT I will always work towards it ^^ ...

explanation

2010-05-13T00:15:00.005+08:00

Let me make this clear... the main reason I was angry is that people keep giving me an order... and that was a NO... but they don't even bother to understand me and give me a concrete solution... I want a SOLUTION... you discourage people of something that they like to do and make them suffer... what right do you have? Your answer was a dead end... I wanted a new path but you gave me a dead end... Why can't someone say this: Go and find the right time where there isn't any guys at the pool... Why is it so hard? This was one of the solution that I wanted to hear... but only 1 or 2 people gave me a solution out of so many... disappointing ...

Lets say if I cannot find any period by which the pool isn't occupied... what am I to do? That is why I ask around but I got immediate rejection and a complete DEAD END... Why no solution... That was what made me angry and very upset...-Let me tell you this is YOUR weakness for pointing out the problem but NO solution...

And the you that I am always referring to in this and my previous post are those you just say no and explain to me that it's a no but you don't tell me what am I suppose to do next...

I cannot run... but I want to exercise also... I still have a body that I need to take care and keep fit... my cholesterol level is high and my fats are ever increasing... -so what can you give a solution to this?

I am a mere child who is far away from my parents, who lack guidance... but when I ask for guidance all I got was an order...( a NO...) but you don't give me a solution... of course I fume up... I am human too... and when I am angry I give people the silent treatment cause my tongue is sharper than most of you here cause I was raised in Singapore, where people LOVE to bring down each other and LOVE sarcasm, I don't want to hurt anyone so when I am angry don't provoke me cause I can make you hate me for the rest of your life... the first thing I will do when I am angry is that I will walk away just walk away( it may seem crude but really it's for the best) and in that process most of the time I cry...

Another thing, understanding is important but sometimes people just miss interpret me... most of the time to be honest, I don't feel respected because many think that I am like you... and you don't acknowledge the fact that we are different... just why do you think that Allah created us with different finger prints? Our Fingerprints are just needed for gripping? So does it matter if everyone has the same fingerprint? The answer is simple... because Allah created each and everyone of us differently who require different needs and have their own unique identity... Generally for most of us our identity is the same We are Muslims... but our preferences and requirements differ...please acknowledge that...

Your weakness maybe my strength and my weakness maybe your strength... that is why I still need to hear opinions and no matter how bad or how good your views are I still listen because I respect... I listen to what people had to say (which were mostly negative) till I cried... Only Kak Naj knows how badly I cried..(I cried till I hyperventilated for your info.) I had to get out of my room to calm myself down... Then Kak Aiza SMS me but I didn't want to reply because I wasn't in the right state of mind... -That night I couldn't sleep well and I selawat almost the whole night...

My ankle seems to be getting better but my chest seems to be in pain... my breathing not constant... - my attacks are getting more frequent : Why do you think I suddenly ask for swimming after so long? Lagi sekejap nak balik Malaysia apa?- That's what you think...right? But you don't know my condition/// so I will make it known... probably after this my parents will lock me up in my room for the rest of my life... I don't want people to know because I don't want people to get worried but since you don't know, you object without even asking why I suddenly desperately want to go swimming...so now I tell you... I cannot control my breathing well and now every morning I feel anxious and I don't understand why... everyday I eat chocolate to make me relaxed but it doesn't seem to work anymore... I selawat and istifar it works but temporarily, as soon as I stop, I feel insecure and anxious again... I cannot ignore that fact that I have hyperventilation syndrome... am encourage to swim because it helps me regulate my breathing... am encourage to run but I find difficulty in regulating my breathing... hmm... Am not healthy... and so I admit and I acknowledge my weakness....(I have long acknowledge this)...so can you give me a solution??? As a Muslim, don't turn your back on me... help me... help me by not just giving a NO as an answer... I want a solution...

(UmiAbah tolong jangan panic... Firah boleh tahan ^^ This is a test from Allah so Firah redha... I don't want UmiAbah to say that I have to balik Malaysia and never come back here I don't want that ... I want support and UmiAbahs's restu for studying here... I regret posting about me still hyperventilating here sebab Firah tahu UmiAbah akan rasa tak sedap hati... but I need to sebab people here don't know my situation)

Am at the limit...

2010-05-11T00:31:00.005+08:00

Why...why... why... this question is always there hunting me... All the tension, all the stress... I cannot take it anymore and I'm going to act independently... it's not like everyone understand. Even if they do, who am I to drag them with me... I'm just a mere 17 yr old girl who is being deprived... But no... they don't understand...

Today, I played volleyball...my first time playing... I fell while chasing after the ball... I fell...I fell...I fell... everytime I play I always fall...it's an always... see how clumsy I am... see how 'talented'... I cannot run properly and when I jog I tire easily... see how healthy I am... see how pathetic... People may not know this but I am disappointed with myself... I played basketball and netball before and there wasn't a single time that I played that I won't get hurt... it's either the ball or I trip and fall... my body coordination it horrendous... In basketball and netball I played defender cause they are the people who barely need to touch the ball... Badminton is another game that I can play but I withdrew from it quite sometime ago so it's hard for me to pick it up again...(besides playing badminton with scarf it extremely HARD cause I cannot get the feel of the air around me and it's harder to predict the shuttlecock...)

So I am only left with swimming... but here not many Malaysians know how to swim...they don't want to swim in mix pools and yada yada yada... Do you know how deprive I feel... Do you even know how painful it is for me... sometimes I feel like packing my bags and just go back to Malaysia and run away to some island where no one can find me and swim my heart out... That's just selfish of me right? Everyone has got their own strength and weaknesses... swimming is my life and it's still is... I don't mind drowning and dying due to swimming... You think that I'm crazy right? Well I guess I am since I have been deprived of pools and sea for so long... I cannot release my stress, tension, pressure it's all in the muscles. When I jog, run or hit the ball...I need to focus and I feel more pressured... but can anyone understand that? I was expose to the pool and sea since I was a baby... I love the sea and pool I just want to swim... but I guess there is no one here to support me to swim... because I guess I am the only one here who feels deprived... I feel suffocation... I just want to swim... I cannot focus well if I don't swim...

I always sprain my ankle and I always fall... I hate it so much ... because I make people and myself think that I am weak... I wasn't allowed to play paint-ball I wasn't allowed to do so many things ... Sometimes I think that I am worthless... I mean why live if I am not allowed to do this...to do that ... even If I fall sick, I don't think I would ever regret it cause I get experiences... Careful of cause careful if not while cooking I would have already accidentally stab myself... I have already been labelled handicap here... even though I still have my two hands and my two feet... and brain is still functioning or I'll be dead my now... Why cook since fire is so dangerous...why drive if you can always land in an accident... So why deprive me of swimming? Why why why... No i DON'T THINK ANY OF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND...only my parents would... cause they raised me and I know my parents will just say... just go with your non-Muslims friends...And I think I am going to listen to them... You know why? They may not know the situation here... but they know my situation... do you know my situation? I don't think so....

This is a burden that I have been carrying since Autumn and I really cannot stand it anymore....It's like telling a badminton player that you can't play badminton anymore...It's like telling a Muslim that you can't pray... And to me it's like telling swimmer that you can't swim anymore... Enough it's enough... worse case scenario I am going swimming by myself...studying is my duty as a student... praying is my duty as a human and swimming is my leisure... these 3 are me... you deprive me of any of it... I move... WHy do you think I was so against studying in Singapore? Simple I don't get to pray... and here... I don't get to swim... actually I can but some don't allow it... I am angry and so I will admit it...

They get to run they get to play volleyball they get to play paint-ball ...do you have any idea how jealous I am do you have any idea....

I bake to release stress.... but it won't last... cause I eat what I bake... and there goes my cholesterol and weight... Yes I am weak I am freaking weak I maybe the weakest person alive...so why are you depriving me of something that I CAN do? WHy? WHy? WHY?

You may not be able to do anything... but I can... I will go solo... I want to swim I want to swim I want to swim...

(Umi Abah if you are reading this I am sorry but I am really at my limit I need to swim to keep my sanity If I cannot swim...I am going back to Malaysia and be a road cleaner... I am serious...It's too long... I cannot take it... Korean and Jap dramas are not working I want to swim...)

Minta maaf kalau this entry is rude crude or ada sesiapa terasa but I have negative feelings too cause I am human... I don't want to keep it for too long sebab itu dosa...And I don't know how many sins I have created for keeping this in my heart...

Who am I, Who are you?

You don't understand me

Like my parents do...

My needs and your needs are different...

I don't need facebook I need swimming...

Exactly how can I get this message across?

Am such a bad girl...

2010-04-26T01:37:00.003+08:00

I am such a bad girl... I am so lazy... loves to procrastinate and gets distracted very easily... I am such a bad girl... If Umi were to be here she would be screaming at me 24hrs a day, 7 days a week...

I need to erase this evil in me...

I have to study Anatomy... actually I have no idea what to study apart from the terminology... ahhh ...

I have just shifted to another room... am happy because I like changes... and I get different room-mates meaning I get to stay with people with all sorts of character. - That is the fun part cause I learn how to adapt...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ANATOMY !!!!!!

Somebody hit me !!! Am sleep... I cannot drink coffee cause if I do, I will just fall asleep after that then get super hyper the next morning...

Oh I need to memorise a song for next weeks 'celebration'... Victory Day in Russia ... (-.-)

My lover

2010-04-12T23:41:00.002+08:00

Every atom accounted for
Every heart Every mind
Who'll stand Who'll fall
Every soul he knows it all

His gentle touch may be too much
But no other can treat me as such
He watches me, every night and day
How am I? What am I to say?

His words are melodies
have been my remedies
He gave me life He gave me time
His tests are lemons and limes

His guidance makes me juices
of all sorts of taste and colour
sometimes nice
but sometimes sour

He sheds light upon my every darkness
There are times me stubborn and cursed
He shows me all his every greatness
Watch me fall masked with lust

Ashamed astounded bold and lost
I refer to him at every cost
Ungrateful indifferent I still unclear
But no matter what he holds me dear

Uncertain of the future
the unknowing law
I hug him tightly afraid of the saw

His blissful trial the moon the sun
whispers my wants with all the fun
He is the one and the ONLY one

He is not mine to keep
but he is mine to weep

Betrayal

2010-04-12T01:51:00.003+08:00

My soul shivers

and my heart weavers

my days are shorter

and my nights unclear

My line is thickening

my blood so doubting

the voices unhearing

the touch undefining

The race is on

but the taste is gone

lights tainted

compass untamed

The rays all covered

the path undecided

the ease of leisure

the colour of decay

Praises all spoken

but compliments not given

seeking salvation

but under detention

All contrasting

all denying

all unspoken

all rearranging

Not taught and never told

Living bodies they now control

Challenge them, they say die

Be with them you are suppose to cry

May not be you

but should you know?

The never ending

road of tear

Hushes sounds of every colour

tear them down till they disappear

no guard no stain

just made even

No they never comprehend

no they never withstand

All they are, are hatred and fear

nothing positive always just tears

An eternal road of impending disasters...

Mirror,mirror on the wall

tell me who is the greatest fool of all

reflection is part of you and me

it reflects the truth and shades the sea

Fight it all, till no war

seal the beast with arms and laws

trust is the hardest to give and get

cause if too soon one might regret

Breaking bonds

trading gears

breeding thorns

undeceiving fears

Clouds unpure with laces

acid rain with traces

unhealing wounds no faces

undignified those so called 'aces'

-happy inferring ^^

My view of the society today...

2010-04-07T10:12:00.002+08:00

Desperate souls, temptation and hunger or just plain pure desire,

Not purified, Stained, Drenched in tears, Covered in blood.

Evil spies, deceiving lives,

ears eyes shut,

they hear no cries,

pain mask by plaster

which can never last forever

If only they listen, If only they see

the whole truth ;

The all source of evil,

the all source of agony,

Everything is polluted:

the air, the heart, the mind

BUT the soul

What weighs us out is

the remedy that blows,

invisible as is seems,

but just a thick headed skin...

Their target- the young minds

the innocent are never spared,

the ignorant are there to share,

the hearts gone hollow

This is modernisation they say

but why so crude, so vulgar

so many contours

so many perplexed

All gone with their religion

All gone with their identity...

Mono... all the same...

Nothing new just back tracking

- and that's the society today...

food for thought

2010-03-24T00:45:00.003+08:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.

My stay in Volgograd is not just a stepping stone for me. I get to learn many things about myself, life and my religion. Don't be surprise but I actually learn and understand more of my religion here, in Russia, as compared to when I was in Malaysia and Singapore. I get to change myself dealing with people of all sorts of personalities, living out of my comfort zone without parents- meaning without proper and direct guidance. I get to push my limit further by learning a new language(as you know am weak and hate language). I get to see how Russian's live their life and what kind of lifestyle they have(it's different from Singapore and KL). And of course living in a hostel is a whole new thing for me...living with a room-mate and as such.

I get to mix with students who studied in Malaysia and Saudi(my room-mate) and get to hear their thoughts and see to what extend is their 'light'. The four seasons here is quite 'fun' in a way that you don't really know what to expect the next day...

Here things may seem routine but everyday something different is bound to happen and you really do not know what to expect...-expect to unexpected but be ready for the expected as well... it's not mono-tone ... but that's the challenging part... you have to keep moving on and there is no time to idle around... Like today I've just realised that I have 4 months till my departure back home...

In June/July will be having 5 major,super heavy exams... -.- ... -sigh-

It's ok I'll make it...somehow...

I want to go EGYPT!SWITZERLAND!SCOTLAND! and many more !!! -oklah...I want to visit and conquer the world...

-umm I think I have posted a post quite similar to this before...right?

2010-03-03T23:54:00.000+08:00

drenched...

Winter

2010-02-28T00:55:00.003+08:00

Am still down with FLU...and this morning, it was snowing...AGAIN...haiz...wonder when will it be over...it's cold...and my nose keeps running...

Studying Sciences in Russian is HARD...-.- can I even clear this...hmm...I wonder...

My braces would be up this Thursday...hopefully no more delays...

6hrs of Chemistry today was not so bad...was late due to the lack of 'mini bus' and was questioned by my teacher...

I just realized how many scars I am having due to getting burn by the oven, scorched by hot oil and scars from not handling sharp objects properly...yes... I'm very careless and clumsy...am very much aware of that...

Facebooking ^^ haha it's so funny reading my brother's facebook messeges ^^ haha ...and of course my classmates...they as such a hilarious bunch ...

haiz haiz haiz...rasskas rasskas rasskas...my life as a pre-med student is...rasskas... =.=

baby steps...

2010-02-25T04:01:00.002+08:00

Life is a journey and I want to be a charismatic traveller... who can conquer and discover every atom that exist

"knowledge is power" they say but I disagree, what is power is a person's character... if one has got character, that person can do anything, no one and nothing, not even their greatest fear can stop them... they become fearless and never mind taking risks...in other to me...Character is power...so what is my character? Hmm... that's a hard question to answer... do I even have to right to answer this for myself?

bloggie...

2010-02-20T19:27:00.003+08:00

I changed my mind about ice-skating...cause I don't need to go to the skating ring at all...I just need to slide myself in the streets... =.= it's fun sure ... as long as you don't land on your butt... especially in front of people who you don't know... -.- haha ^^v it happened to me thrice this winter...hopefully no more...can't wait for SPRING ahhh =) ...

Second Semester is starting SOON !!! Haiz...say bye bye to holidays...going to be very busy...-will be wearing braces this Monday...but just the upper jaw first...cause they say it's painful...

-bake chocolate cake (done...last Wednesday)

-bake pizza(done last weekend)

Aim:

-bake cookie...

-bake shepherds pie...

-make the dadih durian(from Malaysia parcel)

ugh but am lazy =.= ...

I need to start studying...but study what? ... huh... I don't want everything -.-

nevermind ... shall take it slow...

watching lots of Jap. and Korean Dramas... more than what I used to... is it bad? hehe ^^ ...

You ppl in Mas/Sgp better be thankful with what you have... I am missing lots of santan, rendeng, pulut, lemang, sata and stuff like that =.= ... but at the same thing am enjoying the peach,strawberry, the berry family and cheese and stuff like that ^^v hehe ... which most of them amount to (=) cholesterol ^^v haha ... whees...

Russian Exams ARE OVER PPL

2010-02-14T15:11:00.003+08:00

Ahhh am so happy ^^ my exams are over especially Russian Language =.= ... and so next week's the holidays...plan to go ice-skating and feel the pleasure of falling on my butt many2 times...(not that I have ever ice-skate before) I want to go to the frozen Volga River and eat sushi( there is a fantastic sushi bar near-by)...and I want to SLEEP AND HIBERNATE A LOT...

I want to BAKE AND BAKE AND BAKE my heart out... and watch Korean movies and Japanese dramas like nobodies business and memorise a few surah and think what is my sole purpose on this planet and what am I suppose to do next and yada yada yada... =.=

Have problems with my parcel which is suppose to arrive already...have to check it out...haiz haiz haiz...next semester is going to be hectic and difficult... -.- but will get through it somehow...

AM CRAVING FOR my MOTHER'S cooking ... sobs...i want pulut, lemang and RENDANG !!! AHHHHHHH....

Want to bake pizza...

(ok...I type here but will I actually do it... heheh that's another question...)

AND I WANT my BABYSISTER ...I miss swimming so much =.=

-random...that's what you get is you have nothing better to do...

watching: You are beautiful(Korean Drama) ... Bleach(anime)...

ok..am off to sleep...again... ^^v hehe

A series of unexpected events

2010-01-18T03:15:00.004+08:00

Pertaining to the title many things happened and it all involves $$$

-Umi Abah please don't get worried and I do not need extra cash for what had happened...

You see some of my money is missing...and it's so werid...and I know someone took it and that I did not use the money as:

1. I put the money in another wallet which I do not touch...unless necessary

2. I wrote the exact amount that's in the wallet in my diary(haha ^^ you think I am an idiot not cataloguing my expenditure -.- sorry I may look blur/stupid and ignorant but am very observant in fact I know you read my blog and that you are close to me and you come to my room and you are a girl)

May Allah be my witness that I give you for taking my money however, be aware that even if I forgive you, the money is not halal... and it can never be... cause it's stolen.

Besides, it happened 3 times already... and so let me make this clear, if you are really in need of money, JUST ASK and I can always GIVE NOT JUST BORROW...am not that stingy... it's not nice to steal... especially for a girl... and be aware that your punishment may not be here but in your after life...

And so today I baked pizza, shepherd's pie and doughnuts... and I was listening to Said Al-Ghamidi reciting the Quran all the way to keep me calm... apart from rasskaz ...but it's ok...

( I know Umi/Abah will be bringing the matter up...and I shall just tell the truth...from A-Z...cause they have the right to know what happened to the hard earned money from their own sweat and tears)

Humans we all make mistakes, which is why I am forgiving whoever who took my money and I myself as a human, have no right of not forgiving the person as, if Allah forgives us for all our wrong doings, who am I... not to forgive? Besides, what will I benefit if I don't forgive her? In the end, on judgement day all would be calculated and all would be said and done...

Money is a small matter but trust is a whole different issue...

-do not under/over-estimate me...cause nobody knows me better than Allah, myself and my parents...not even my friends who I have spent 6 yrs of my life with knows me inside out...I am very complicated...and I like to test and observe people cause that is how I get to know their real-side... after that I can judge who to get close with... which is why I always keep my distance...cause I know this world is not cunning/evil, it's the people...and am not longer ignorant like I was 1 yr ago...

My pride is my patiences and tolerance... but of course there is always a limt ^^v

the storm

2010-01-09T14:55:00.002+08:00

Harsh swords were drawn

thin icy shed of tears

a brittle soul

trembling with fear

Patient...I have to remind myself to be patient...no matter how hard it is I have to endure...

The icy winter is here...it's negative again...about -12 degrees and it's snowing again...

School is starting again this Monday...no comment

Scared/Sad- but it's ok... not worth crying over but I may break down... have to stay calm...

2010

2010-01-05T02:44:00.003+08:00

And so it's 2010...time passes by very quickly -.- ... and I have just a few days left till holidays are over...sad but that's ok... cause time wait's for no one anyways...

I plan to change myself for the better in all aspects...all it takes is a little push...but that push has to be stimulated by own perseverance and will...so may Allah(swt) give me all the courage and strength I need...

Thing will get bumpy this year and may get stressful...but what is the medical faculty without stress right?

Today I went for a talk about career, financial freedom, adaptation to Malaysian healthcare system and fiqh in Medicine(something like medical ethics). It was quite interesting and very educational or so to say. Especially medical ethics I must say. I have also learned that doctors not only create an impact just in the aspect of healthcare...but many others and medicine has a vast inter-phase...I was amazed actually...even though the talk was from 10am-5pm with a 1hr break in between I am proud to that I did not sleep the whole way through out the whole thing like in Math/Chem/GP lectures back in Innova Junior College...though they used quite an number of medical terms which I have yet to study...am still in Pre-Med mind you...so I was quite disturbed(stressed) like oh...am I suppose to know that already...

There will be a continuation of the talk tomorrow on Humanitarian Relief, Disaster and Respond. It sounds very interesting... am quite excited ^^v haha ...

Just hope that everything goes smoothly...

treat everyone with kindness, even those who are CRUDE to you-not because they are nice but because that you are...

shall remind myself of this when school starts later...

more presents >.<

2009-12-28T00:07:00.002+08:00

Ahhhh...today I got more presents... I got a teddy bear with a ultra cute muffler from Kak Aiza ^^, Ferrero collection chocolate from Kak Wadah, a muslimah shirt from Kak Liana and kinder bueno chocolate set of 3^^ ahhh ... OMG this is got to be one of my best birthdays ^^ hehe... cause most of the things that I want I got as a present... like wow (alhamdulillah). Thank you so much for all the love, presents and wishes I really appreciate it very much ^^v haha... THANK YOU -muacks-

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Guess what...I will be wearing braces soon -.- ... in Russia...yes... -.- ... but it's ok.. it's cheaper here anyways...like 1/4 of the price in Singapore about $1000... ^^ hehe...

Tomorrow is Pudfak Day... ^^v haha it's festive season... then this Thursday night will be sleeping at Kak Aiza's house ^^v whees cant wait to see fireworks and eat and play and sleep ^^ and of course raskaz...

(my 100th post)2nd part of today

2009-12-27T04:49:00.002+08:00

I got bedsheet from Kak Syaki, gloves from Kak Mas and Kak Zianis and an awesome meal from the Kak trios(Kak Aida,Kak Wani and Kak Yakin) ^^v haha the ppl here are so awesome. I seem to get whatever that I wanted to buy ^^ haha...and there was cake from them too ^^ahh And the most unexpected thing is Kalis, Eelin and Hansley bought me ICE-CREAM not just ANY ICE-CREAM it's Haagen Danze(-.- spelling) I have never in my life tasted this brand as I got scared to moment I saw the price and today I got it as a present...ahhh today is so AWESOME ...hehe ^^v

okies am off watching movies...and drowning myself with chocolates,cakes and ice-creams... ^^ hehe

my first inspiration in this world

2009-12-26T18:16:00.004+08:00

My first ever birthday without my family -.- ... and so last night I cried but I was happy that I bought something from ebay ^^v hehe (Umi don't kill me) I bought body mist ^^v haha... but am happy...it's from Bath and Body Works...

Last night I was memorising my russian passage. When the clock stroke 12am Vanusha called me followed by Eelin ^^v they were up just to wish me ^^v haha how touching. Today, at 6.30am when I got back from the toilet(getting ready for school)...my dear-roommate ask ,what was that on my bed?I looked and saw a green bag...I was like...OMG...was very stunned. Then she asked to open the bag...I saw a TEDDY BEAR ^^v AHHHHH... and it's white like WOW...So happy she made my day today...it was something that I wanted to buy and now I got it for free...haha^^v. Thank You Areena ^^.

I got a very cute mug from Kalis ^^ haha... I LOVE cute things so much cause it so CUTE Thank you Kalis... In class I got scolded but after she found out it was my birthday, she apologized...how awesome...and I got a BLUE ring file from her...(I wanted to get one for my notes)...

Oh yeah yesterday I baked chocolate cake ^^ haha but it ran out fast as I distributed it to the whole floor ^^v haha...-smiles- am glad the they enjoyed it...not long before I bake sherphards(not sure of spelling) pie ^^v hehe it turned out well ^^ haha...

This Monday...there is no class as it's Pudfak Day(Pre-Med. day) but we have to perform...I heard that there are cakes O.O ... hehe ^^v... Then after, 1Jan till 10 Jan are my HOLIDAY...whees...but I need to buck-up my Russian -.- so a not so happy holiday for me...but that does not mean that I cannot have fun ^^ right?

Am happy in a sad way...or so to say am sad in a happy way? I don't know which is which but am probably home sick -.- I want chocolate indulgence from secret recipe -.- but it's ok shall wait till I get back...then I can eat it EVERYDAY(ahem...Umi/Abah -pokes-pokes)...

The temp. here now is quite low...like -1,o degrees compare to last week -10,-22...so the ice here are starting to melt and everything is so muddy -.- . But I heard that later the temp. will plunge down to -40... -.- huhu...

I can't wait for the month of March next year ^^ haha ^^...just can't wait... hehe^^ (it's my little secret..shhh)

My parcel from Malaysia should be arriving in Jan... haha am out of curry and chili powder...

okies that's all for now...if later there is anything interesting that happen I shall update...about the photos...pls be patient I waiting for the aftermath of a heavy snowstorm...-.- when everything is white and covered in snow...right now half of it is like melting...wait till my holidays okies...which is just a week away...

shocking

2009-12-19T22:44:00.002+08:00

My mother...for the first time said yes when I wanted an ultra expensive handphone -.- honestly I am shock!Actually before that I was told that everyone in the family has got a new phone...so I got jealous and said that I will save up money to get a touch-screen phone. Then my mother asked when you want to buy? How much? I said N97. She actually went to Sim Lim Square and sms me the price of N97- $760...When I got the message I was like...Umi actually went to Sim Lim to check out the price?!?! WOW!!! But I can only get it next year after I got back...I want N97...I know N900 is coming out but still...I want N97 ... actually it's between iphone and N97 -.- but iphone is fully touch screen which I don't quite like and it's camera is just 3.2megapix...while N97 has a 5megapix camera ... the only about iphone that I like is the applications. There are so many medical applications for iphone, as for N97 not many but there and it's new so have to wait for them to make more applications...

Applications/Programs which I want in the phone:

1. E-books

2. Medical Applications

3. Microsoft Office

4. Dictionaries (English/Russian/Malay)

5. Pocket Al-Quran

^^v hehe...

I have yet to take pictures of the snow =.= wait okies...give me time..another thing...it's VERY tiring walking in snow -.-

When I hate something, I hate it very much

2009-12-13T14:24:00.003+08:00

Last night it started snowing...the streets are now covered in white blanket...shall post up the pictures soon...

On a happy note, it has already started snowing...and last night I went to my seniors house(Kak Aiza and gang ^^v) as they have just moved to a new place. AHHH...I love the design of their new house. It's classical concept ^^ hehe...I want to get teddy bear for myself soon... -.- ... have been feeling in-secured lately...I need a security item...

the best is yet to be

2009-12-10T20:53:00.002+08:00

^^ haha yay I can now confidently say that I am improving in my Russian ^^v haha...whees...but of course am still lagging behind in class -.-... oh well it's ok I will just do things at my own pace...will try not to slow the class down...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS to those of you back home ^^v haha... I know it's quite late but still...

And this will be my first time celebrating my birthday on a schooling day...yes I do school in Saturday but I finish at 1pm ^^ hehe... and the Pre-med students will be celebrating Christmas on the same day -.- ... Anyways there is an exchanging-gifts session and I do not know what to buy -.- for THAT person -.- ... shall figure out soon...it's a female don't worry...and don't get excited -.- ... esp. TASN and NANDY... -.- ...(I plan to meet up with everyone back in Singapore in August next year...that is if I survive ^^v Okies)

Had Maths test last Wednesday... OMG it was challenging it took me like 20mins to answer one question =.= ... but at least I manage to finish...even though I don't know if my answer is right or not...tomorrow will finish class at 11.30am...whees ^^ haha cause I only have Chem. but am not that free cause I have tons of Russian homework and 2 freaking passkas(passages) to memorise -.- and 2 dialogs to make and 1 to memorise -.- ... but nevermind it's for my own good...

Time flies really fast -.- ...I understand that the rest of my family members were in Port Dickson and they still are...enjoy yourselves and I miss everyone (-.-) am doing well here ^^ haha have been really lazy to do sports -.- I shall just skip...haiz...-shakes head- have probably put on 10kg ...

Have been deprived of songs lately...someone please enlighten me...and I am getting unlimited internet next month...I dun care ... I want to watch Jap/Korean dramas and download songs like anything... anyways when I calculate...it's cheaper also...

the rose's torns

2009-12-04T17:46:00.002+08:00

Have been down and sad lately... many things have happened...but it's ok... shall live with it somehow... but the days are getting better I think...

Today, my class is at 8am-11.30am just Chemistry... whees ^^ haha am so happy but I have 2 russian passages to memorise ... I find it very irritating but I just have to live thought with it... memorising things that I don't understand 100%... -whatever...

I am already season about getting scolded in class...so yeah...it's ok if she hates or whatsoever...I am a slow learner...I know but am alright with it... besides, I come here not for the language I just need it to communicate...cause sooner or later...the rest is history...but a least at the end of the day, I understand the grammer and can do my homework...right? I remembered what my psychologist told me... so what if I am not the best in this...so it doesn't really matter...besides, I spoke to HER about my problem... and she asked if I have a small brain...I just reply yes...just do whatever that makes that woman happy...-rolls eyes...

I want to do so many things at the moment...but the weather seriously does not permit. The temp. this morning was -1...winter is here but not the snow(no yet)...I think I have put on weight ...AM FAT -.- ... ghee so much to taking care of cholesterol ...I eat chocolate like EVERYDAY...but I do eat veg. and I drink 2L of juice and 2L of milk every week ... ^^ haha...(Umi pls don't scold me...juice and milk here is very cheap and yes I will buy fish oil soon ^^v) I buy chocolates at around RM20 which can last me 1.5 months... ^^ haha ...

I must say life here is quite slacking as compared to students studying in Singapore ^^ haha...but it's challenging in terms of communication and relationships with the teachers...It's easy going this yr as am in pre-med(pudfuck-in Russian) later first yr and third yr I heard that it's going to be tedious...

You know Areena's new nickname is...BOMOH ... ahhh ^^haha so many funny2 things happened...esp. today... haha the lights in Chemistry class today flickered and last Wednesday...she made Denis fell without touching him -.-...scary right...but today Chem. is scary... I shall not say anything apart from that...

as life goes on...

2009-11-22T18:07:00.003+08:00

There was so much that happened this week ^^ haha.

Last Tuesday was my first Bio. lesson at Morph. some place far away from the main building. So Areena and I got lost we reached some kampong ulu area which looks like the infection hospital area -.- and were were late for class for 1.5hrs... it was our first Bio. class. Thank God our teacher is very lenient. (2nd last paragraph for full story) Seriously, Bio, class you copy notes from the textbook. No teaching takes place as in directly. So awesome ^^ self-study ^^ haha... no boring lectures yet at the moment...-I can't imagine going for lectures with teachers who speaks English but with heavy Russian slang but so far all is fine^^...

Oh yes I cried in Russian Class last Friday ^^ haha... my grammer is so weak. But it's ok... shall get use to it like how I studied English last time... -.- ...am slow...am very slow... but it's ok I have already spoke to my teacher about my problem. I don't quite understand fully the Russian grammer....but I think it takes time... especially for me... -.-

My friends here are so awesome...they help me a lot we are like a huge family. I am very thankful that I came here. I have learnt a lot of things not just in terms of school work...but more about life, emotions, and my own well-being... I realized how much I missed out...and there is more to it then just that as it's has only been about 2 months. I am grateful to all my seniors and to all pre-med. students from Malaysia...they really supported me...sometimes I really feel useless and I came to realise how fragile I am...Coming to Russia to me is such an eye opening experience I rarely get scolded by teachers in Singapore but here every Russian class confirm I will get shoot down... -.- haiz...

So far I have started Chem, Maths, Bio, Informatics classes. So far am doing fine with the exception of Russian language. But now, I think I am brave enough to speak to some random Russian ppl and speak SIMPLE Russian with them. My perspective on Russian ppl also have changed. They just look scary but actually they are not. When Areena and I got lost, I spoke to 2 aunties. Both were scary looking but I was desperate and we were very late...lost at some kampung...

What happened was this. We didn't know how to go to Morph. so the night before I asked my senior how to go, she told me all the possible routes and even drew me a map^^. The easiest route was marchute 14. So Areena and I planned to take marchute 14. But what happened was 14 was full and we were running late. So we had no choice but to take any available marchute which goes to Morph. and 70 was the marchute that we took.Our senior told us that marchute 70 will turn right at a junction and directly after that we have to get down. So what happened was that Areena and myself took marchute 70 and we were waiting for the marchute to turn right and one of the junctions. So we waited and waited and waited. I realised that something wasn't right and signaled to Areena cause the lanscape outside is already the ulu-ulu kind. There was this stop where everyone got down. and so, we got down as well. We had no idea whr we were and we were already 15 mins late. I started panicking. We traced back our path on foot and it was very cold with slight drizzle... We contacted our seniors and classmates to ask for help. I saw the tram line thinking that we can get tram no. 2. But I didn't see and tram no. 2. So I asked an aunty if there was tram no. 2 here. She said no, then asked whr we were going and we said hospital. She looked shocked and said that the place we were heading too is very far away(over-short already). And we stupidly asked if we can walk... she said of course not...need to take marchute or bus... and I was like...crap...And so we went to the road side.I asked another aunty if there was any marchute(mini bus) 70 along the road. She said yes. Then asked where am I going. - a normal person won't ask that, they will just answer your question and walk away...So we boarded the marchute. In the marchute, Areena asked how to go to Morph. to this one old uncle...a guy overheard our conversation and helped us too and it happened that he was also going down at the same stop as us...and so we were saved by Russian ppl ...In conclusion, Russian ppl aren't that bad.

Yesterday I went to Kitai Gorad(China town) to buy winter clothings and boots... OMG I am so happy ^^ haha...I got boots/huge winter jacket/2 autumn wear/2 turtle neck and an unbelievable price...thanks to a chinese friend who helps to bargain the price ... ahh he is so cool...I owe him big time I saved a lot and with that extra money I bought another autumn wear which is why I ended up with 2 autumn wear. My plan was actually just 1 winter/1autumn/boots/2turtle neck ^^ haha am as happy as a lark^^ hehe... okies gtg...I have got a huge problem... MOE Sinapore just contacted me and they are asking lots of question...

as time ticks away...

2009-11-13T00:36:00.003+08:00

Whees... am well. Last Tuesday went for badminton... -.- OMG I cannot smack... I still can't get into "the mood"....haiz...so sad...I was so tired on that day -.- cause I had Russian classes from 8am-12.30am then after that I had Informatics classes from 2pm-4.30pm. Badminton training was suppose to start at 4.30pm so I was late as I had to change and travel. The coach was young. I think if Jean/Iffah were here they won't miss a single training cause he has got their taste =P... after playing(mentally/physically exhausted already)... he made me do SKIPPING... -.- haiz... seriously...

Anyways, I have already been marked by my Russian Language teacher but no point being grouchy over useless things...if she labels me as a dim-wit or what-so-ever I don't care anymore...main reason is because it's language as in academic wise, my language is rock bottom to the core. Besides, as long as we smile and talk to each other it's fine...

Had my first Mathematics class last Wed. I think I am going to study again all that I have studied. Maybe some new formulas will be introduced... =) hoho the teacher ain't that bad. She was a bit fast though. I had to use short form. The method of teaching here is different as compared to Singapore. Here, it's dictation...they say, you write you notes. Only some examples will be written on the board the rest it's up to your ears. Something new for me...

Tomorrow will be having my first Chemistry lesson ^^ haha... and I heard that my Chem. teacher is someone like my Russian teacher -.- just hope that they are not copies of one another...

MY ROOM-MATE IS A SADIST (=P)... ^^v haha...

DISCHARGED

2009-11-06T22:33:00.002+08:00

-Finally free from the clutches of those evil needles

Yes, I was hospitalized. I vomited, headache and stomach ache. Before that I was already sick with fever and flu due to temperature changes. So the total no. of days of me not attending school is 8... yes...8 schooling days. that's a long time. I will manage it somehow. Lots of funny things happened in the hospital. The nurses spoke to me in Russian and as you know my language is bad...esp. RUSSIAN so in the hospital I picked up a new language- sign language... I hand is blue-black at the moment due to those nasty needles for drip. Even now, I still feel tired and completely useless. Tomorrow I have class. Wonder what's waiting for me. All I can do now is pray. (-.-)

Am a bit worried about tomorrow ... it's been 8 days...

SHOPPING

2009-10-26T03:10:00.003+08:00

Ahh am so happy today ^^ haha... it's not just because of my baby sis birthday...but also because I went to another new shopping mall (which is in-walking-distance from Hiroshima) together with my seniors Kak Aiza and Kak Noh. I bought my badminton racket and shoes ^^ haha. Hopefully, I will be participating in the Malaysian Games against the Malaysian students in Russia. In other words, I will be representing my Uni. ^^ haha. So Happy my parents actually allowed ^^-cause I think that is like the only time I will exercise here, apart from walking to the bus-stop and going up/down the stairs in my hostel. Ahhh ^^ haha I bought an attack racket ^^ I saw ashaway but it's off my budget and I find it a bit too bulky cause it's both an attack racket and a power racket- it's for pros ...too bad I didn't see yonex so I ended up buying a Russian branded racket with isn't bad...my shoes that I bought is made in China so it's quite cheap...Oh I bought 2 pillows too ^^ haha...it's so fat and fluffy (-*.*-)...will be getting my blankets for winter soon and I need to get a good winter coat which can last me for 7 yrs ^^ haha...but it will be a bit costly but I think it's ok since it will be used for 7 yrs...I need winter shoes as well. Apparently, the boots that I bought from Singapore isn't suitable for winter as the sole has no grip -I can easily slip walking on ice- So I will be saving up money to get those things ^^ haha...don't wanna burden my parents.

I went home at 5.45pm and it's already dark... but it wasn't so bad ^^ haha...anyways, I have to get use to it cause I will be having classes till 6.10pm...which is darker. And today the temperature was like 2 degrees Celsius...and I only found that out after coming back. The sky was all gloomy the whole day it like as if it was going to rain... the wind here is very strong and extremely cold. At first, in the afternoon, I found it refreshing but while going back...I found it a little uncomfortable cause I guess it was colder and more windy in the evening. I can hear the wind howling from my window and it only started today. SO I wonder if am I sleeping tonight... ^^ haha.

I need to memorize Rasskaz ^^ haha about my FAMILY... it should be easier to remember since it's about my family ^^ ...yes?

Talking about work, today Areena help me to read Russian properly... as you all know, I am a lazy reader so I tend to guess the words(for English I can do but it seems Russian is impossible-at the moment). She is so strict. But I pity her very much for having such an idiotic student like me...since I am so lazy to read. She ask me to point and read. Which I did... but that passage is ochen troodney(very difficult) for me... but it's ok step-by-step...I am very grateful for her effort. Thank you so much ^^ n am sorry...I am slow...it's language so yes...that's my weak point. If Maths or Science maybe can but language -.- ...

Ok...need to memorize Rasskaz...aatually I have one more extra day to memorize but..it's russian...have no choice...am quite weak... -.-

Jealous

2009-10-25T12:41:00.003+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BELOVED BABY SISTER
-My friend Eelin- the Chinese girl from Sabah wished you "happy birthday and stay healthy forever"

Today she turns 2yr old. I skyped with my family this morning at 5am(Russian time)...-well actually, it's supposed to be 6am Russian time but today is the day by which time all over half of the world changes due to daylight savings...meaning every year, sometime close to November the time changes making it one hr it slow.Then later they switch back to the original time, which I don't know when.-

Anyways, I skyped with my family and they were rubbing it onto my face about the cake which they bought for my sister and another one that came from my mother's friend. -.- umm irritating. But it's ok...am quite immune to chocolates already. You know I bought chocolates 2 weeks ago till now it has yet to finish.-I broke record cause normally within a few days it will finish.- I SAW MY BABY SISTER ^^ haha am so happy... and she waved and called me "kakak"...Ahhh...

Actually, I skyped yesterday as well in my friend's room using her laptop. When they heard Umi's voice, they were scared saying that she seems strict. My mother has a teacher's voice so of course it's loud. They thought my mother was shouting at me...-well probably because they brought up the topic saying that I am stress...- but actually she wasn't shouting...she was just talking... If they thought that my mother was shouting, then I wonder what they will say when my mother screams? Haha...that was just my mother...not my father...

Hoho and they have yet to hear me scream... ^^ yes am not so lady-like ^^ haha

Wanna see the birthday photos ^^v waiting for my bro. to upload them ^^

those pieces of memories

2009-10-22T23:55:00.003+08:00

When I eat, I remember my mother's cooking. When I am on my way to school, I remember my father. When I am angry, I remember my brother. When I am lazy to tidy up my things, I remember my maid. When I have nothing better to do or when I stare into space, I remember my baby sister... well those were the days...

Anyways, I am much more cheerful today. Even though I have lots of homework and a super big russian passage to memorize.(like what-ever...but I find it fun and very challenging...but the fact is, I think I am improving) You see on the days when I am cheerful, my friends seems stress due to work and problems back in Malaysia. When I am indifferent, they are cheerful and condemned me saying that I am stress. Ain't that funny... but that's the end of it...

Today, it seems that they have switched on the heater in my room... but seriously...it's not that cold. The temp. these pass few days was quite high like 21-29 compared to 11-15 degrees Celsius when we first arrived. However, we got a warning claiming that next week is going to be cold like 2-10 degrees Celsius. Haha^^ ...shall just wait and see...

Ok am off doing homework and memorizing my RASSKAZ...

PS: today, I cooked chicken curry ^^ hehe... but Areena wanted to add milk... so i just add. ^^ hehe it turned out well ^^

happy happy happy ^^

2009-10-22T00:12:00.003+08:00

Today I woke up with a positive note. I smiled for the first time in my life in the wee hours of the morning.(okla probably most of you think that I am psycho.) But seriously. When I think back, smiling was never the first thing I did in the morning. Anyways, today I was happy. Probably because I have memorize my Russian elements for chemistry and my rasskaz(short story) And you know what? Today is the first time in MY history that I got pyat(5) for rasskaz(short story- which is full marks)^^hehe^^Happy happy -jumps with joy- As the days go by, I find it more and more exciting...and I am getting happier by the day.

All my seniors/friends say that I am stress...hmm...if they say that I look stress now... I wonder what they'll say if they were present during my O Levels and Streaming year... they ain't see nothing yet... it's just my face... not my soul...my face is just a mask nobody really knows how I am really feeling, sometimes I also don't know -.- does this even make sense...But am glad...Ee Lin and Kalis(my two other friends) agreed with me. Areena loves to say that I am stress...so I gave it back to her saying that SHE is stress...there is a saying that goes-the robber won't admit that he robbed the bank instead he blames someone else...so this is the case for Areena I think... she is stress...with nothing better to do so she blames and condemns me by saying that I am stress...But when I met the first years, I have no idea why they said I looked stress...exactly which part of my face shows that I am stress...even when I smile it seems, someone told me I look stressed...DO I HAVE TO GO FOR SOME SURGERY so I don't look stress? This ppl... just because I am a Singaporean...they label me as kiasu or say that I am stress... haiz...Actually my parents ever commented about me having a stressful face...seriously I don't get WHY? What can I do...I am born with this face... -.- I can't exactly do anything about it...just live and deal with it...once ppl ask me if I'm stress while I am NOT stress...I can really get stress...( OK ENOUGH OF STRESSING...before I really get stress...seriously...this is quite pissing me off if am in a bad mood...don't be surprise if I explode)

I always get disturbed by my friends and sometimes my seniors but most of the time by my room-mate, Areena. To tell you the truth, I don't mind getting disturbed. The funny thing is while I was schooling in Singapore, people don't dare to disturb me as I was/seemed strict/serious and even if they do... I will shoot them back with heavy sarcasm-which can be crude then they don't dare to do it again... In Singapore, I dare shoot back. Here, leaving in hostel on another foreign land(besides Malaysia) with Malaysian students whom I don't think were expose to ULTRA HEAVY SARCASM...I don't dare to shoot back. Reason 1: they may not understand double/triple meanings. Reason 2: they my get hurt. Another reason why I don't shoot back is simply because am too tired to entertain these ppl/jokers and I have no comment or what-so-ever.

My room-mate, Areena/Mak Cik Kuritsa(chicken since she loves to eat chicken)was super hyper this morning. She started laughing in class for no reason and meowing as well...don't ask me why. All I know is things many things are getting more interesting and funny these days. Including me prepadavatel(teacher). She is a very nice, good and strict teacher...but seriously when she fumes...you'll see me scared stiff...but it's ok... Thanks to these kind of teachers I can become more discipline(think positive)...

One more thing. Today, I went to my seniors house ^^ haha and had dinner. It was scrumptious ^^v haha... I am seriously going to get fat... MUST GO ON A VEGGIE. DIET...haha I don't even know how fat(heavy) I am cause I have no weighing machine...I hope I didn't put on much...

In conclusion, my life here is colorful, unique(from my view), interesting and unpredictable...It's cool... ^^ haha ... I can't really adapt to this ever-changing waves of events but I can live with it ^^ it seems very challenging but not really...you can say that I am enjoying it...with all the warm companies and so on and so forth...

...seriously...this is crap... nothing better to do...so this post is SO RANDOM...

being judgmental?

2009-10-18T15:53:00.003+08:00

I know I am irritating...I know that I'm dumb...I know that I am slow...I know that I am weak...many ppl say that I am too nice... but I think not, all I'm doing is respecting other ppl for what and who they are... I don't talk much these days not because I'm emo or stress... it's just because there is nothing much to talk about... Then...this room-mate of mine which is also my classmate keep on thinking that I am STRESS...(I was just a little stress not much)then my other friends really thought that I am STRESS...

Oh and you know what? I have problems with names... All my seniors who are living on the same floor as me, I can't seems to memorize their names... then everyday I kena bully... by all my kakak's..."ni name siape ni?" - What is my name? and I will be like ..."ummm wait ahh...-thinks as hard as I can but cannot remember-" ... then... I kena...what is this staying in the same floor and you still don't know my name...ahhhhh...

Then in school, kena bully as I find it hard to memorize Rasskaz(short story) in RUSSAIN...ok...it's official my brain cells are inactive at the moment or is it dead... Well, to be frank with you actually it's because am not that interested in languages at all... but it's quite fun in a way... but I dunno how to explain...

Anyways need to bathe, wash baju, shopping for some stuff like hanggers... , cooking mee hoon today...Zaf's style...putting chili powder and curry powder (o.o spicy...yummy) ... my senior from kavartira(apartment) is coming in like 1hrs time... gtg it's 12.30pm here in Volgograd...and yes I just woke up... don't ask...

Every Saturday night have open house at senior's place so no cooking every Sat ^^ haha...Am going to get fat man... and have to look out for my cholesterol level...

...so SAD

2009-10-17T12:08:00.003+08:00

You know what? My teacher asked us to memorize CHEMISTRY- elements IN RUSSIAN... can anything get worse... well actually it can... My teacher is scary... Russian is tough... later will be learning many many russian words... most of them sound so FUNNY... haiz... will be psychoing myself saying that Russian is fun -.- ... today, class starts at 11am and ends at 4pm... at 1pm we are suppose to go on an excursion... it was supposed to be 2 weeks back and last week but the weather was "bad" or so to speak...(that's what my teacher said) I feel like giving my teacher a nickname... but I dunno what... she can be VERY nice and the next moment, a devil is unleashed... goodness what is this...I've never seen anyone so... unstable... PMS? she already has a 35yr old son ... what menopause? I dunno... but I don't like it out of a sudden she started screaming... exploding and stuff... but she gives us nice sweets... like chocolate and Russian sweets... it's nice ... hehe my souvenir from Russia shall be chocolates ^^ hazelnuts here are cheap...I hope to bake soon ^^...

OMG

2009-10-14T22:40:00.002+08:00

OMG today was the first day my teacher exploded...to make things worse she is sitting directly in front of me... all along she was so nice and kind someone like a kindergarten teacher... then suddenly... atomic bomb explosion -.- ahh goodness... I was seriously on the verge of crying... WTH... then after scolding, she went back to her normal self mode... since then... nobody laugh in class anymore... it's a wound... i think from today onwards, she will be labeled as the sleeping dragon... ahhh I will be facing her for the whole year... one more thing... WHY IS RUSSIAN SO HARD... WHY DO THEY HAVE SO MANY CASES... no mood to eat already... study study study...haha like that will ever happened...AM TRYING MY BEST OK... AM SLOW... ESP. LANGUAGE...

pictures

2009-10-12T13:46:00.002+08:00

Have updated the pictures of Volgograd ^^... care to click on the picture with the girl labeled as pic.(some where at the top section of my blog-where you can see loads of square girl pic.)...

Am waiting for the leaves to turn brown...then red...the shall take more pics. and post it up... ^^ Enjoy...am sorry...I am not a professional photographer... so am still practicing ... -.-

now it's RUSSIAN all the way...can't wait to start bio. class -.-

...

2009-10-11T03:37:00.002+08:00

Have already shifted to Hiroshima...my internet here is GILAGILA... it loves to disconnect...but will somehow solve this problem...SOMEHOW... things are pretty much comfortable here ^^ ... I really enjoy the view and the super FRESH COLD air...not bad ahh the weather... so far it's ok... but I know it will get bad soon since Winter is approaching...will be uploading the pictures soon...probably they will be up by the end of next week? Give me time ok... have got lots of things to do...my shopping isn't over yet still have lots of things that is needed to be bought... haiz... am aware...very much aware...am a MONEY SUCKER... but these few months, it can't be helped...

update

2009-10-08T01:32:00.001+08:00

Forgive me for not blogging for such a long time. I was tired...my lessons has started like last week or two weeks back on Monday...so I had lots of homework...in addition to that I was LAZY... and I don’t have internet access from my room in my hostel-KIM...have to wait till I shift to Hiroshima in order to get internet...

Weather- The weather is not bad...but the first time when we came it was very cold but soon after, we got used to it. When we arrive, the temp. Was 16°c-10°c –It’s Autumn...

School/Hostel- My lessons has started. For now am only studying Russian Language at the moment. It’s 6 hours a day, 6 days a week for 6 months...don’t ask why 6...(even though 6 is my fav. No. ^^) Anyways, most of the lessons are from 8am-1pm+... sometimes 2pm-7pm...Am living in KIM hostel at the moment which is also where most of my lessons are taking place for now. But later, I’ll be moving to Hiroshima Hostel because of KIM’s history of converting ppl to Christians...and it’s also hard to find Halal food, even though KIM is near the city centre. Well the down side is that Areena and myself have to travel everyday (which isn’t a problem for me as I go overseas everyday back home and school) though am quite worried about winter when temperatures reach below -20-oh my bro. Would like that...later, subjects like Mathematics, Chemistry, Biology ,Physics and Biochem wil be introduced...(no problem)...

Volgograd- At the moment, it’s a bit lay back in Volgograd and I am quite enjoying myself..it’s a city...but not so advance which I have no problem with as I LOVE nature...I can see trees and many gardens everywhere...it’s beautiful...shall post up some pictures later at my msn spaces ok...the only stress that I have at the moment is...money-the clothes here are FREAKING expensive...food- it’s hard to find proper ingredients...Russian Dictation-like everyday...reading Russian aloud in class...other than that, it’s fine ^^v...I love the wind here...my teacher said that it’s windy here ^^ am happy to hear that but when winter comes, I think we will suffer... This place is so interesting...honestly when I was here the first time, I was at lost of words...It’s beautiful that sometimes I forget that I’m in Russia... I thought that Volgo. Is so ulu and will have shanty towns everythere... -.- but NO... it looks so develop even without high-rise buildings and skyscrapers... the buildings remind me of London...but, this place is better as the buildings are not so compacted...probably a better comparison is Istanbul... yeah they are almost alike...the only difference is that here in Volgo. You don’t see Mosques. There is only one at the moment which is quite far from where I’m staying and the other one is still under construction. In Istanbul, for every 200m or so, there is a Mosque...

The people- Met some Russian Muslims at the SUSHI BAR ^^ haha ---yes I went to eat sushi with my beloved seniors...my goodness they are so pretty...and my seniors are SUPER NICE ^^v –am sad that for most of them, this is their last year...they treated us like so many times and it ain’t cheap eating out you know...but the sushi was magnificent ^^ I wanna go there again, it’s by the Volgo River >.< ...there is Mac D./Zhal Pizza and many other eating outlets that I can go to.

-super long post...

preparing

2009-09-23T12:39:00.002+08:00

Today is the day... have loaded my big luggage both into my father's car...and I had to push...and push andpush...ugh...its either my father's boot is small or my bags are huge...both fit in just nice...and I couldn't load my handcarry at all...my handcarry is 9kg + kuih raya that I plan to eat and watch movie with my friends at Terminal 2 Changi Airport during transit...we have from 11pm to 2am...

gtg ...

TOMORROWTOMORROWTOMORROW

2009-09-22T16:54:00.002+08:00

Am so excited and scared...I don't think I will be sleeping tonight...am leaving tomorrow and I have yet to pack my backpack... will doing it in a moment... have to weigh my luggage again-afraid my weighing machine is spoiled...scared that when I weigh on my weighing machine it shows 40kg...then suddenly in KLIA it's 44kg...OMG...dead worried...

My backpack..I think I am going to have some problems... my bag is small and I have to fit in so many things inside...haiz...and it's TOMORROW...

To make things worse...I am having diarrhea probably because of the egg plant that I ate last night...that dish I suspect wasn't heated up properly...my father seems to get the worse of it, he went to the toilet 13 times so far... I have been twice but my stomach is all bloated... haiz haiz haiz... is it a sign that I'm not suppose to go? -.- ...OK off to packing...

Hari Raya "Open House"

2009-09-21T20:16:00.006+08:00

Today was a blast ^^ haha... let me start from the beginning...

9.30am- I was still in my pajamas cooking with my mother and maid when my aunt from mother's side came... I was like WTH!?!? I didn't even know that her family was coming today...so they had to wait for us to finish cooking till they can eat...OMG I felt so bad...extremely GUILTY you know... how can you make your guest wait...they came ALL the way from Woodlands and they had to wait...

In the afternoon my fav. cousin came...and if you are lucky to see my tagboard...they spammed it...while I was busy downstairs talking to the visitors who came to see me for the last time this yr...and you know...I never expected to receive anything and I got lots of things from my family friends, relatives and IFFAH ^^ haha YES SHE WAS THERE ^^ ahhh...together with her eldest sister and mother ^^ haha...

The presents that I received were extraordinary and I love them all... the first one that I got was from Cikgu Said(a Malay teacher in YJC-Yishun Junior College) - 2 packets of Curry powder, Almond Caramel Kuih and Darlie toothpaste ^^ haha he told me to bring them ALL to Russia...I just smiled...most probably I will be just bringing the kuih cause my bag is OVERLOADED...am so sorry of course I didn't tell him that ^^THANK YOU SO MUCH

Haha...the second was from NAJIBAH my fav. cousin ^^ haha she gave me a notebook OMG I LOVE NOTEBOOKS and the cover is so KAWAIIII....there is a cute PANDA PIC AHHHH ^^ haha...she also gave me a rabbit book mark #.# haha she loves Rabbits ^^ haha. THANK YOU SO MUCH ^^v

Next one was from my Aunty living in Tampines(father's side) guess what she brought... THAT CHOCOLATE KUIH +.+ AHHH and my cousin from the same family gave me a red box... haha when I opened it I was like WAHWAHWAH...it's a brooch set^^v haha with a letter 'Z' AHHH...and the box is from a jewellery shop...I started worrying I hope it's not real jewellery... ~.~ ...pls say no...-guilty- ...but THANK YOU SO MUCH haha ^^

And just when you thought things can get any AWESOME... Iffah gave me a bow full of ULTRACUTE paper clips ^^ ahahahah...AND an AN ULTRACUTE DIARY and it's BLUE ahhh THANK YOU SO MUCH ^^ Gah...

I received card Raya from my uncles in Ang Mo Kio wishing me at the best and stuff like that...whoever wrote it has EXCELLENT HANDWRITING it looks like it's been type but no... it was written by HAND...O.O...received manymany duit raya as well but have yet to count ~.~ haha... my Aunty from Hougang gave me quite a huge sum of money and asked me to spend in Russia with that money wisely...I was like... WHY SO MUCH...she is extremely worried about me... she cried the first time when I told her I was going a few months back...

During DOA SELAMAT, my father almost cried... the last time he did was when his parents and my mother's father passed away... I was shocked and so scared... T.T and of course I felt guilty...TODAY WAS EXHILARATING and ENJOYABLE...many ppl actually came to see me and wished me well... I felt guilty...that these ppl actually came all the way from Singapore(many without transport, came via bus) just to see me... and Iffah had to travel all the way to Perling which is about 20km away from her house...BUT I am extremely HAPPY ^^v ...haiz ^^ haha

TO ALL VISITORS WHO CAME TO MY HOUSE TODAY, THANK YOU SO MUCH TRULY FROM THE VERY BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR COMING AND ALL YOUR WELL WISHES...THANK YOU

packing

2009-09-20T13:06:00.002+08:00

OMG stress stress I can't find that black notebook...I wrote everything...inside...everything that is not in my bag... sharks...right now... my big luggage are both 20kg while my hand luggage is 7 kg, however my backpack is empty and I need to cross check what I have yet to bring... WHR ARE YOU!!!! -sobs-

Selamat Hari Raya ♥ new skin

2009-09-20T10:29:00.007+08:00

Wow, time passes by so quickly and it's already Raya. (just 3 days left, goodness I'm extremely anxious). Today, I will be "Rayaing" at HOME and I have no problem with that...except for the fact that I can't eat other peoples' kuih(cookies) especially my Aunty's from Tampines whom is from my father's side ^^ haha that chocolate thingy in aluminum cup ~.~ it's heavenly...I asked my bro. to bring back some for me ^^ haha...oh yes, my bro. has been nice to me recently maybe cause I am leaving for a long period of time ^^ ...well EVERYONE has been nice to me...that's actually kind of unexpected o.o ...

Went to the Surau(small mosque) for prayers and now here I am blogging...I love this new skin ^^ haha it's messy I know...and I spent like 3 days to fix everything up...I was initially trying to make those cute links and twitter (pic on the top right) become floating menus...but couldn't since I am using the latest firefox version... -.- ... my profile page reminds me of my Bio. textbook as almost everything is highlighted and bolded ^^ haha... in conclusion, I LOVE THIS SKIN...

Things to do today:
-packing and WEIGH bag(not done 100%, my freaking bag is still OVERLOAD...shall I still bring rice?)
-IM Iffah about the route to take to get to my house(loads of people get lost coming to my house cause it's at the far end)
-wash the front porch (pathetic I know, like who washes the porch on 1st day of Raya? Well, I do and I have to, it's for tomorrow's function ^^)
-set up the tables and chairs properly (it's a little cramp in here)
-cook chicken smth smth ... I don't know probably Sambal or something since it needs to last till tomorrow(don't worry it's not for the function)

(1st song/poem) that i composed prior to departure

2009-09-15T21:34:00.007+08:00

Oh sing me a song
Now 1,2,3
Tell me right now
So that I can be free
Teach me how to breath
and how to believe
Tell me how strong
Our love can be,

Don't ever forget
to speak and share
Have no regrets
and no despair
Cause I have already
decided that you are
my chosen one

-oh...don't ask why I wrote this and what inspired me to...cause seriously, I have no idea...I have been having weird dreams and I am quite worried...there was this guy whom I seem to know in my dream but not in reality...and we were close and many funny things happened...like there was this big house...facing the sea or some water body...the garden was AWESOME...and there was a swimming pool in the garden...We seemed to be touring around the house... -.- ...

Then there was this other dream... my friends going to Russia were present...I was their tour-guide in Singapore...it was very late at night...we wanted to catch the last MRT to head back to my house in Johor... then I caught sight of one man who was staring at us coldly... he walked towards us, I told Vanusha and the rest to run...which we did...but then, Ilyana was running quite slowly so I slowed down and push her forward, the next thing I knew, someone grabbed my bag and slammed my face to the road, then he left... I laid there for quite sometime...my friends came back for me...they woke me and there was a police officer near-by ... friends asked the officer for help... but refused...my nose was bleeding...then there was a black car that stopped in front of me...and dragged me into the car...I saw 2 girls on one of the near-by buildings laughing at me... I fainted...then I woke up from my weird dream...

-super weird dreams lately...so werid...is something bad going to happen...nono... >.<

nonono...thisis so BAD...

2009-09-12T16:23:00.003+08:00

finish baking 6 kinds of kuih(cookies)...my bag is still OVERLOAD and I still need to bring 5kg of rice...man aren't I screwed...and I need to repack some things cause there are too many bags....like 2 big luggages, 1 hand carry, 1 backpack and 1 laptop bag...-seriously no idea how am I going to manage -.- ...since I am going to go to some ULU place... with super expensive internet...

WELL...whatever...I am going there to study -.- ... it's just for the degree... if anything goes wrong...like got MUGGED or anything... just remember... I AM THERE FOR THE CHEAP YET WORTH IT DEGREE... yes... am pychoing myself... cause later in Russia...my life is going to be tough... (or so I heard)

I am the big MONEY SUCKER IN THIS FAMILY and I'm not so proud about it... -.- ... haiz... it's ok...all it takes is time...just time...

I heard from seniors...
-no time to eat(and no appetite after seeing.....)
-very stressful
-the food is tough(as in Russian food)=have no idea what their cuisine is... shall do a little research about it
-eating out is a big nono...cause extremely costly
-girls have to go out as a group of at least 5...
-guys have to go out as a group and there must be at least 3 girls present(to prevent themselves being mugged and challenged)
-no going out late at night...(try to be back by 7 latest)
-winter in Volgograd can reach -30 ...(need to shop for more winter wear)

oh NONONONO

2009-09-08T16:59:00.004+08:00

MY BAG...MY BIG LUGGAGE BAG... IS SO CLOSE TO 40kg...nononono...shyt...this is so BAD...I still have yet to put in a few things...and my hand luggage is OBVIOUSLY overloaded...so...what I thought was WRONG...I do have OVERLOADING problem...Nononono... -.- ...

sobs...cries...

Eelin...I wonder how heavy your bag is...you bringing 2 right... -.- ...

hiaz...sigh...sobs...

Today made pineapple tart ^^ haha yesterday was Suji ^^ (some white colour cookie...very fattening...requires 1 tin of ghee -.- )

-15 days till departure...
-God I am scared and excited >.<

...

2009-09-04T21:22:00.003+08:00

Am seriously bored to death...because I am LAZY... lazy to read THAT book...study russian...and do THAT thing... -.-

Have strong urges to CUT my hair...it's so HOT...and my head feels heavy these days...

Am hungry for SONGS...any recommendations? -.- Backstreet Boys are releasing their new albums in OCTOBER... while I am no longer here...WTH...BUT I already know their new songs ^^ haha...I have my sources ^^ hehe...

Addicted to Ashley Tisdale's songs...esp. - Tell me lies ^^ haha ...

Am bored...so bored... it's ok...just endure it a little more... next week it's baking week ^^ haha ...

-random...so random...

=note to self
+read Sobotta...
+read and listen to that Russian Course materials...
+start packing for departure...
+starting writing down my personal recipe book...
+sketch those sketches in that Anatomy book...

Hmm...what should I blog about

2009-08-31T15:52:00.004+08:00

Honestly, I have no idea what to blog about... I am dead bored but later I will have a LOT of things to do... like BAKING...GOING to KL again...to submit my documents and also buying a book...so I will be breaking my fast in the TRAIN... -.- ...

Yes, once a traveler always a traveler, have been cooking...(a bit)...and watching ONEPIECE...see am so bored...played with my baby sister also...and touch my Russian by reading something like instruction manuals...that are in Russian... but I don't really understand... -.- and browse through my medical dictionary...

I did this just today ^^ haha nice?It's MapleStory ^^ haha...

Ramadan and the Departure

2009-08-23T20:01:00.004+08:00

Whees it's Ramadan ^^ haha and my classes are over...am happy and sad at the same time...need to brush up on my language x.x ... will be departing exactly 1 month from now... on the 23 Sep ...

my plane leaves at 9.45pm...will be taking Silk Air to SINGAPORE from KLIA...if u ppl are going to ask why I don't depart from SGP itself...well my agent will be holding my passport all the way till the day of departure and my luggage has to be checked-in in KLIA...since my air-flight is from KLIA...

From Singapore will be leaving for Moscow at 2am in the morning...and (the worse part is about to come)...NO MOSCOW TOUR for students going to Volgograd...(sad seh...) cause our transit time to go Volgograd is about 4 hours( to them it isn't long)...

Anyways till I depart, I will be in Malaysia(starting 2 Sep) most of the time baking cookies/studying Russian/ and stuff like that... -.- honestly I am scared, worried, excited and happy at the same time -.- ... I need to bring spices there cause theire spices in Russia are not spices at all...their curry doesn't taste like curry...they have no asian herbs like lemon grass...and things like that...even if they do...they cost like....a hell of a lot...

One thing is for sure is that I am looking forward to cooking ^^ haha...and hope that I don't poison myself -.- ... and I heard that Pre-med students will be staying at the city center and opposite it is a new shopping mall...there is a cinema... but all movies are dual in RUSSIAN...(bring dictionary while watching New Moon muahahah...=.= LAME...just understand Russian)

On the second day of Raya there is going to be an open house for Raya and to pray for my safety(doa selamat)... -.- hehe ^^v ...

closer to departure

2009-08-16T09:57:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow will be my second last day for my language course...and tomorrow is my TEST... mostly oral -.- ... prepare to die... later in the afternoon than I shall start whatever I am suppose to do =P ...

Having long hair is such a pain... it doubles the time taken for me to shower... since I have to wait till the water flows down all the way to the tip of my hair before I can start "shampooing"(not a word I know)... -.- am tempted to cut it till my ear(the usual) -.-

On the 22 Aug there is briefing about my departure in KL but that's like the first day of the fasting month...tempted to ditch it -.- but I am not sure if I can... rather spend the time sleeping or baking kuih Raya ^^ haha or cakes rather...

Have already start packing there is just a little bit of space left and I have quite a number of things that I have yet to pack -.- ... it is really going to be tight... bought my Long John and muffler from Mustafa ^^ yes that is my one stop shopping center in Singapore ^^ haha... tomorrow in KL after class will be going to Time Square... head there is a sale going on by which they sell all those expensive working clothes for RM10 ... my friends and I plan to check it out... they want to get gloves and stuff like that at Winter Time and Universal Traveller so it's another shopping spree...

On Tuesday, the 18 Aug (last day of class) for the closing ceremony there are going to be 1 representative from the 5 uni. who are coming down...( I doubt it...they have better things to do than disturb us -.-) but I am a bit anxious...I can barely read and speak and understand Russian -.- ...but shall try...^^

I can't say that I hate or love my life... in 1 month time... my life is going to be harder and much more complicating...but one thing's for sure ^^ I am happy and thankful ^^

I have BIG dreams

2009-08-14T17:40:00.002+08:00

I met Iffah last Saturday ^^. She seemed to have grown taller and... a lot slimer... -you better start eating proper food and not junk food okies...-

I met her mother too.(in fact I met her whole family) She said that I am impatient.(cause I ditched JC =P) Well, somewhat true. But anyways, I wish to clarify something. I know myself better than anyone else. I knew my path wasn't JC. I was in JC for a month.I was alright and had adapted to JC lifestyle...it was hectic but manageable.

The reason for me quitting? I have BIG dreams...dreams that are so far fetch that if I were to type here right now about whatever I have planned, you...ALL of you are going to think that I am crazy...ambitious...a lunatic or whatever. I have planned almost everything. Including whr to go after Volgograd, whr to work and so on. If you think I am going to work in Singapore or Malaysia, you are dead wrong... ^^
I have said it once and now I am saying it again. I don't believe in staying at just one place to achive success. With great experience comes great success. This is my principle and I have many others. I stayed in Singapore for 6 yrs, Johor, Malaysia 10.5yrs and now hopefully Volgograd, Russia 6.5yrs.

Travelling is something that I like to do and I have been doing it for yrs. I gain first hand experiences. With these I become a better person socially,spiritually,emotionally,mentally and economically(need to save money -.-). I have been to Britian, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, Indonesia, Thailand and some others. I am not trying to brag but a traveller is who I am.(yes I can't sit still I know -.-)

I don't just want to help the ppl of one particular place. To me I am not a citizen of any country but I am a citizen of the world. It doesn't matter which place or country I am. All of us are under the same sky and that is all that really matters.

I know my place. I am not from a rich family. I am from a middle income family. I have gained my parents trust but it wasn't easy. Teenagers with chaotic hormonal changes often fight and argue with their parents. I am no exception. I am just like eveyone else. The only difference is how we think and the colour of our hearts. I understand my parents position and why they do what. I had to understand them first before they can understand me... that wasn't easy but thank goodness all went well.

My parents are supportive.Especially my mother. Initially my father was contemplating but I spoke to him. You think my parents have the money? Think again. My parents have to work for 6 more yrs because of me or else they could have retired. My mother is willing to go all out for me. WHY? because she is MY mother. Besides that, she had wanted to be a doctor too but was rejected to a triple science class in Cresent Girls...so she ended up in a double science class. My mother is brilliant. She got A1s for both her Elementary and Add. Maths and her double sciences, Chem and Phy. She entered RJC and was in the hockey team. Represented Singapore in a friendly match against Australia and won. Now she is holding a BSC in Mathematics degree.

I admire my mother very much. She is the driving force to my motivation. If she can do it, why can't I? Her family's position was much worse than mine. There is no exception. The question is not if I am patient or impatient. Besides, it wasn't totally my idea to go to Russia. It was my mother's. She has GREAT expectations of me. She wants to see me in a white coat with a stethoscope dangling around my neck...because she didn't get to wear a white coat and have a stethoscpe dangling around HER neck ^^

To tell you the truth, my parents and I made an agreement. If I want to be sponsored my parents, I have to pay back whatever the cost I have inccured in Russia back to my parents so that the money can be used for my bro. who will be following my foot-steps and later, he have to pay back for my younger sis. who will likely be following our foot-steps.

However, this agreement is not valid if I were to get MARA loan as my parents don't need to give me anything. On the other hand, I have to serve the government for 10 yrs in Malaysia and I maybe thrown to Sabah or Sarawak (which is damn far) during that period. So it's a tough decision -.- ...

In conclusion, this thing(about me going overseas) is a family agreement and not just me...it's a family thing ^^...

PS: super long post... happy reading =) ... my departure is on the 23 Sep and I can't enter Singapore from 1 Sep onwards in other words... no HARI RAYA for me... but I am thankful I am fasting here and not THERE... -.-

-.- help...I think I need another bag...

2009-08-02T10:01:00.002+08:00

Went to Mustaffa Center yesterday... It was fantastic ^^ haha I got so many things... I even got my overcoat ^^ haha it's black... I got my leather boots and leather gloves ^^ haha and some long sleeve shirts and woolen socks and universal adapters and the list goes on and on ^^ haha was away from 10am to 10pm ^^ went to Lucky plaza too and got my vest ^^ and my boots ... ahh It was a shopping spree... I bought 6 bottles of Adidas spray deodorant ^^ hehe... am so happy

But you know what... this morning went I place all of the items needed into my luggage I was like... shyt my winter-wear and autumn-wear already occupy half of my bag... I still have yet to place food, electrical appliances, my scarf, summer-wear, my boots and shoes and scandal and my formal attire like baju kurung... ahhh I need to get that vacuum bag for my winter clothings... before I make it official that I need to bring more than 1 luggage bag -.- ... oh and there is rice cooker for me to bring as well ... this is going to be tough...

I have yet to finish doing my homework... and I still can't unscramble the mystery of perfect and imperfect tense... why is Russian so COMPLICATING... -.-

Am back again ^^

2009-07-31T12:28:00.002+08:00

My lessons are getting a lot tougher... and more new students are coming in >.< ... pity them it's going to be hard for them to catch up... well I came late too and I am still struggling >.< ... but not bad ehhs... my friends who are in KL for the course are quite united we help one another so it isn't that bad... every morning at 8am I will be at Ampang Park, Mac D. doing last minute homework or revision... then one-by-one, they start coming in ^^ and we COPY and do work together...ask for explanation and stuff like that...

After class it's common for us to go to KLCC to have our lunch then we head out to Kinokunia(not sure of the spelling) sit there till 4pm reading some murder story books ^^ haha so fun... then go home and stare at my Russian book while trying to make some sense out of it ... -.- at 8.30pm... have dinner with my nenek saudara(umm...my grandmother's cousin?-something like that)...

^^ haha on Tuesdays when there are no lessons... we go price hunting... finding the cheapest prices of the things that need to be bought...next I have to get Lab-coat for anotomy classes but I don't think I will be needing it till late next year... need to get some Medical books too...

Tomorrow will be going to Mustafa Center to buy loads of toileteries and one overcoat... and a few woolen clothings... haha^^... for today I need to get down wih my Russian and unscramble the unslove mystery of perfect and imperfect tense... -.- ... I couldn't follow the lessons already... then my ocitel(teacher) showed us some movie and cartoons in Russian... what the hell... ya nye panimayou -.- ( I don't understand) oh well it takes time...just let it flow naturally... ^^ haha think positive ...

dascorava(till we meet again)

KL... whee ^^

2009-07-25T08:35:00.003+08:00

My experience living in KL is not bad at all ^^ haha so fun... oh by the way there is another Malay girl whom just joined my class...I pity her because she has already missed quite a lot... I am back in Johor... ^^ haha somehow when I go to Mac. D. at Ampang Park these days there have been a DSN problem...(typical...so many ppl using the net...)

There has been a lot of first time experiences during my stay in KL...^^ haha and for the first time I get to be independent... like I need to wash my clothes by hand and stuff like that... no biggy... ^^ haha have to be discipline on how I spend my money... there is sale going on EVERYWHERE in KL... so this is the best time to buy whatever stuff needed before going to Russia... you know seeing all those discounts...70%...60%...it is so damn tempting to buy those cute shoes,clothes and accessories... but no... am on a tight budget... >.< Last Wednesday went to watch Harry Potter... with Ilyanna and Eelin... haha ^^ at KLCC... not bad...not bad... I find the movie hilarious...^^ haha... This Monday my ocitel(teacher) wants us to talk about the global economy in Russian... whee... I plan to screw up ^^ haha... but seriously the whole class is a weird and fun bunch ^^ can't wait to start class ^^...

Went to Bukit Bintang and KL's Sim Lim Square...not bad... cheap cheap bargins EVERYWHERE... went to the Pavillion too ^^ haha and Time Square... next week will be heading towards the Curve and One-Utama to check out the prices... for boots... coat and stuff like that ^^ haha

Going to New York hotel this afternoon... for now I got to go to the park to burn up some calories ^^ haha

whee...RUSSIAN CRAZ...

2009-07-12T12:05:00.002+08:00

Hellos ^^ haha am in Johor now back at home ^^ haha miss my bolster and my noisy baby sister ^^ haha ... things are getting more and more interesting day by day... not bad ehhs... will be going back KL tonight by train... and arriving in KL at 6am around there... so will be hanging around KL Central till 7.30 or so then will be leaving for class which starts at 9... no problem can slack and try to memorise some words... Russian ain't that bad as compared to Arabic...

Last Tuesday if I am not wrong, I was heading back to Taman Paramount( my aunt's house) in the LRT reading so Russian words aloud... unknowingly I actually read a word wrongly then suddenly this caucasian guy sitting beside me corrected me.... SO embarassing >.< ... I didn't notice he was sitting there till me said the correct pronounciation of the word... so I almost jumped... He laughed at my reaction -.- (he looked quite handsome actually) ... he then asked me if I was going to Russia since I was studying Russian Language...I said yes... then he laughed again telling me that me come to Malaysia to study English while I go Russia to study Russian -.- ... LOL ... he asked why I am going there ... I said to study medicine... He smiled and said my country good in Medicine... I understand why he said that... in Russia there are more than 1000 medical university >.<... like WOW ... so when the LRT reached KL central he wished me all the best and I said same to you for whatever reason you are in Malaysia... ^^ haha he smiled and walked away ^^ haha ... -found out that there are LOTS of Russian in KL ...

Remember my last entry... I was at Ampang Park Mac D. ... there were lots of caucasian initially I thought they were from America or Western Europe... turns out they were Russian... talking about KLIA and their hotel room... yes... I was eavesdropping >.< ... Haha LOL ... well they were talking in Russian and I am new to Russian isn't it natural for me to be on the look out for anyone who talks in Russian? ^^ haha lame I know...

there are 14 students in my Russian class... three of us taking pre-med. the rest will be first yr Medical students... not bad ehhs... Iryana just came back for Saudi as her father is working there... she has a brother in Nizny(another Russian Medical Uni) ... Eline is from Sabah ^^ speaks and understands Russian like a pro... Vnosha will be a first yr student ... these three will be in the same uni as me... we are all private students who are eligible for scholarship ^^ haha ...

there is this guy... named Navin (apparently whr ever I go there seemed to be a Navin around -.-) he is damn irritating keep on asking me hard Russian question and my answer is always a stare -stare at him blankly-... I have no idea what he asked... A Russian Pro I might say... his partner in crime is Michelle... I think she is his to be girlfriend or something... ( ahem I am sure something is going on between the two the whole class seems to think so too^^)

My teacher's name is Georgie ( it's a he)... don't asked if he is handsome... he seemed old... but nice ^^ haha...

okies I need to get back to Russian...

dasvidania... paka

Russian in KL

2009-07-08T14:19:00.004+08:00

Horrible I tell you... I am 2 weeks late for lesson as I started lesson just last Monday... and tomorrow there is test. How am I suppose to memorise 100 words in Russian?... Ahhh crap lah...DIE DIE DIE DIE... but it's ok it's not too late ^^ haha... I am screwed so screwed...

Anyways I am at Ampang Park Mac D. so there is wireless here... and the Russian Cultural Center is about 10 mins walk from here...
today I learn how to say what time is it in Russian but it's too tricky for me to type it here with all the cyrillic script and yada yada yada...

Will be leaving for Russia a few days after Hari Raya -.- maybe 25 September or 26 September... I need to pass this Russian Language Course so that I can get my cert. -.- die die die ... I say this because I am 2 weeks late for the course and I understand 20% of the lesson... when my teacher speak too fast...I don't understand...I haven't memorise 100 words that others have memorise so when they talk, it's alien to me...Have only attended 3 lessons so far... Everytime that teacher ask me a question, he ended up answering for me -.- ...sad seh... I still remember my first lesson, I felt so lost and I still am... Oh today there seem to be a new student... a Malay guy...no sure which Uni. he going to... It's actually quite fun ahh... I am youngest in the class like another girl who just got back from Saudi as both of us took O lvl so we are 1-2 yr younger than the rest ^^ haha...but I am still younger than her...I think... haha tomorrow I shal ask...

Oh there is bullying in Volgo. but they don't make it official like ragging in Malaysia ^^ haha. but I heard Nizhy is alot worse than Volgo.

Well over all Russian is fun but difficult... and apparently French is alot easier... -.- but that's ok... hard now...maybe easy later...- but things are going to get alot more complicated ^^ haha...

PS: Adib if you read this pls tell umi that insyallah Firah balik on Friday or Thursday(tomorrow) depends on the availability of the train tickets...I need to submit my passport to make my visa ^^v so i need to go to SGP to stamp my passport...kirim salam Umi dan Abah...spaseeba ...paka

-.-

2009-07-01T22:13:00.002+08:00

I need all the help that I can get... haiz... pathetic aren't I... oh well... but at least I am one step closer to my ambition... right?

hoping to get a place in KL... I don't want to go all the way to PENANG... -.- ... cries... lets see how things are on Friday shall we? ... complicated... so complicated... -.- ... o.o ...

such short notice

2009-07-01T11:54:00.004+08:00

Shyt shyt shyt shyt shyt... I am screwed I tell you... so screwed...

This is so bad... I tell you... Initially I was told the Russian Language course was optional...today I just got a call saying that it's compulsory... the lessons that are taking place in KL has already started since 1 week ago thus application is now close... so the only one that is available is the one in PENANG... (a place that I've never been) and it starts on 6 July which is exactly one week away...(crap crap what crap)... It's a one and a half month course... I already have a place in Volgograd... but they won't make me a visa as long as I did not attend this language course... and I was only told about this TODAY...

Thanks ahh... I haven't even book a flight to PENANG which is so much further than KL for GOD SAKE ... and that place is ALIEN... ahhhh die... the whole thing including lodging and the course is RM2400 ... which does not include transport... food... and basic necessities ... o.o ... I am a money sucker in this family...it's official... when I am a doctor... I have to pay my parents back... BIG TIME... - am already guilty... don't make me feel worse... -.- thank you...

when one problem is solve another one will unexpectedly come out... haiz... the joys of life... when one doesn't have any problem... they really have no problems at all... guess that's what life is about... -.- my pace in life is starting to pick up after months of slumber... but it's picking up in an unexpected and exaggerating manner... I don't like it... it makes me panic... lets hope I don't fall sick and start hyperventilating again... -.-

have no relatives in PENANG... now that would be a problem... -.-... oh dear... someone... HELP ME...

question

2009-06-26T15:57:00.001+08:00

Does anyone knows whr to get leather boots? Need it for my winter wear... -.- ... haiz do tell if you guys know... thank you ^^

the funny thing about life

2009-06-26T15:08:00.003+08:00

-.- I am down with flu... last night I couldn't sleep from 1am-5am so I slept from 8am-12pm(since my religious classes were cancelled). My parents and my two other siblings were out so it was just my maid and myself at home. The funny thing was went I was asleep from 8-12 I couldn't hear my maid calling for me and the doorbell. In normal cases, I could hear the birds chirping outside, even the slightest sound, I would have heard but not today...I was dead drowsy. There was a doorbell as my neighbour(Uncle Bohari) wanted to send my family some durian and rambutan(from his kampung I guess). My maid panicked as she has never receive guests by herself and kept shouting for me(which I didn't hear) at the same time refusing to open the gate... -.- LOL(didn't blame her for that cause she didn't know him)

SO I guess she somehow shouted at him and asked "What do you want"- (nak ape?)...-.- not once...not twice...many times... -.- those were the exact words she said to him before doing anything else(in Malay) LOL I found that hilarious ^^ haha ... that man on seeing a girl who is so clueless I guess he explained EVERYTHING to her even told her that his father is staying a few houses away from him...

Who is Uncle Bohari? Well ex-Riversides do you remember Miss Mirhan? ^^ haha they are siblings ^^ -yes Miss Mirhan the teacher that we thought was a guy at first sight -.- haiz... it's a small world some might say...oh well... I somehow think that everyone is connected in one way or the other... ^^haha

privyet (hellos)

2009-06-24T12:40:00.002+08:00

Am back from the holidays ^^ haha. When to Genting and Tioman. Will be uploading the pictures on my space ^^v haha.

Sad to say that it is kind of hard for me to type using Russian alphabet (cyrillic). So instead I will just type how it sounds like.

kak vashi diyla? Menya harasho. (how are you? I am doing good)

haha I am still learning the basics...these days my mother is training me to cook using the stove....no microwave....or oven(I don't like fire) -.-
I will try to blog as often as I can... I promise...
June is coming to an end...there is less than 3 months left till my departure... I feel anxious and guilty and excited and thankful but more excited and worried... afraid of what things will be like there...

Anyways, how are things with you guys in Singapore? Hope things are doing well... all I can say is DO YOUR BEST and all would be fine ^^ let things flow naturally but to do that you must be passionate with what you do and at least enjoy it... (easier said than done)

Haiz... I have got somethings to share it's about my aunties and my uncles perspective. They think that my parents don't love me as they are sending me away. But it's not what it seemed to be. It is because I am going overseas that my parents have to work longer as being teachers. Especially my mother. Both hate teaching as the students aren't that civilized and not motivated(no offense to anyone)... so they are actually doing this for me... sort of against their will... but for this selfish daughter of theirs they are sacrificing their time and LOTS of EFFORT so is it fair to say that they don't love me? They put a lot of effort on raising me so that I don't stray and feel unstable...they encourage me so that I can be what I want to be... isn't that unconditional love? WHY ARE THEY QUESTIONING MY PARENTS LOVE? My parents have thought hard of letting go... parting from their eldest child... obviously emotionally hurt... are they trying to add oil to the fire? or are they worried? try and have some faith in me...I have been overseas traveling from one country to another for almost everyday... I have been to many places and many countries...have faith in me because I am sure all would be fine

Yes there are pros and cons...everything in this world has got both sides on the coin. But the pros will be pros...the cons is up to the person to decide... in this case it's me... If my parents give me the green light...I am happy as they trust me... and I will be whatever it takes not to betray their trust. The journey ahead is scary with a lot of uncertainty... far away from everyone that I can depend on...I will be out there alone...on foreign land...But I am not alone by heart because I know there are people out there supporting me... not just my parents... Everyone that I have known has given me the strength that I have now ... spaseeba(thank you)

I will try me hardest and will not give up. Even though we are far away physically... we can still communicate throught webcam./e-mail/messanger and stuff like that... Even though I may be busy in 3 months time, it's not an excuse not to chat and talk to you guys... but I don't want to disturb you guys especially those who are in JC...(summer test coming up right...study hard and all the best okies) and poly as well( many assignments right...jiayou)... I miss you guys very much...

PS: have not been blogging as my stpid laptop refuse to disable the firewall thingy even though I have unblock it...messenger included..and as a result...I can't login blogger and my messenger...( irritating you know...-.-)
those who actually visit my blog...pls do tag say hi or something... so that I can talk to you properly... -.-
-super long entry...ahem...sry...

what seems to be the begining...

2009-06-05T19:06:00.002+08:00

I am very happy that now I do know how to speak SIMPLE Russian ^^v hehe all thank to the books that my father bought for me. YAY! Thank you so much ^^ haha... these few days I have been having some weird dreams... but it's quite a nice dream I guess... haha ^^

Monday, 8 June is my mother's birthday. I plan to up the night before that day to bake her a cake ^^ chocolate trio cake which is a combination of 3 recipes. I just hope it will turn out well. In the evening or late noon, my family will be going to a seafood restaurant... ^^ haha (and choke or vessels up with cholesterol- I don't care I will demand for Chinese or Green Tea when we are there...) -.- ...

The next day on the 9th, we will shooting of to KL and stay there for a night for some business at PutraJaya before heading towards Genting ^^ ... hehe... Cork-Screw and Space-shot... here I come ^^ hehe... let my blood flood my brain -.-

Have been busy sleeping...as I study my Russian Language and Medical books at night ^^ haha. I did that to adjust my time like the one in Volgograd... it's 5 hrs behind SGP/MAS.

Found out that there are actually many students from Volgograd Uni. and Moscow Med. Academy who are living in the neighbourhood ^^ haha... but they are from MARA ( that ELITE school... =.=) - no pressure or anything -.-;

ok need to get back to my books ^^ haha...
cherios^^

...whee =p updates on my baby sis

2009-05-22T13:21:00.002+08:00

My baby sister is so cute...she is a butter eater ^^ haha it's true she eats butter ... as in scoops the butter up with her spoon and stuff that whole mass in her mouth... and the spoon came out clean...When she first did that I just stared and her and thought she wasn't human... I am pretty sure that when she grows up, she will curse herself for eating too much fats when she was young. ^^v haha oh bye the way...she finished up half of the butter... (*.*)

When I started singing or when my maid starts to sing, my sis will join in the singing... thinking she was a superstar...singing with her eyes close... ahhh...hehe one day I shall take a pic of her doing that... so cute...

While watching TV...she knows pretty much how to get our attention...by going towards the television and threatened to switch off the TV if we do not gives her what she wants... like going outside to sit on the swing or playing my basket ball...should see her how she bounce the ball... ^^haha she is cute but irritating as well -.-

...she calls me katak(frog) instead of kakak(sister)... -.-

okay anyways...I have not been blogging on this blog as I was blogging on another blog... haha ^^ It's a shared blog and it's shared between my friends from an international school in Johor, so it is locked. ^^ haha so even if I were to put the link, it will be quite useless... though I will try to blog as often as I can here as well... ^^

what have I been doing these days...

2009-05-12T13:13:00.003+08:00

1. Helping my mother to mark her papers
2. Compiling Recipes
3. Research on the University and neighborhood
4. Washing my own clothes (using hand in case they don't have any washing machine over there)
5. Cleaning up my room
6. Reading the Holy Quran( plan to finish it up before my departure)
7. Cooking/Baking
8. Trying to memorize the Russian alphabet and phonics...
9. Reading my father's medical handbook(published in the 1970s)
10. Taking care of my baby sister

I do all these because...my parents said that I am lazy... -.- but apparently I prefer doing things without being watched...just because they see me doing nothing in front of them... they think I am really doing nothing... as a result, I get nagged at everyday... -.- -.- EVIL I tell you... parents can be very EVIL... but they are the ones supporting me T.T ... sobs...so should I hate them or love them...I know the answer is both... =.=;

Anyways, my father have yet to buy me that language course CD...I will be learning Russian on my own...(I hope it will be successful) oh yes...there has been some change of plans ^^ haha but I really don't mind...I will be going to Volgograd ^^ hehe my initial choice...reason...it is safer and less costly(even I am under scholarship I still have to pay them back if I don't do well so just in case you see ^^)

Besides Volgograd is less stressful as compared to MMA even though MMA is the top Uni. ^^ Personally I think it doesn't really matter which Uni I get to for now...as I have other bigger plans ^^ I want to do my masters... haha^^ I do have a place in mind. Anyways, will have to work first or get study loan or something...as going to that place is way expensive ^^...It's my final degree so it's best to get a good one...the rest really doesn't matter ^^ haha...

-.-hehe I have planned everything out already and I am just waiting for the right time...and of course $$$ is needed ^^ so need to work hard/pray hard/study hard and FOCUS...
My father said that I am already laying back -crys- which is true ^^v haha -.- GUILTY

SWIM!!!

2009-05-02T20:37:00.002+08:00

Today I went swimming ^^ haha I swam 12 laps...(below my standard two weeks back I swam 14 laps... this week suppose to be 16... =.=)

Anyways... since I will be at home, I will have to do some house work...

Tomorrow having Religious Classes ^^ will be breaking the news to my religious teacher ^^ haha...(I wonder how she would react ^^)

Got to start writing down the things needed to bring and buy -.- hoho I got news that I have to wear boots there ... I want them black...I don't care ... I will be buying most of my winter clothes in Russia... I feel so excited... but scared as well... haha but more of excited ^^v... probably will be going to Tom and Stefanie to get more pairs of jeans... oh...I need to bring some spices too like curry powder and chill powder ^^ haha ... (they don't have it there) ... so awesome I get to cook my own food ^^ hehe invent my own dishes ^^ yay

Most probably I will be in MMA(Moscow Medical Academy) ... if not Volgograd State Medical Academy... -.- ... either one is fine... but I think MMA better... cause everything will be in English...except Houseman ship(practical)...

Anyway...it's okey ^^
-stuck at home...doing some random thingys...

May day...

2009-05-01T12:52:00.002+08:00

...slacking...nothing better to do... >.< oh well...my aprents went to some houses in the neighbourhood to ask about their sons/daughters that are currently studying in Russia... at Volgograd... I want to go !!! haha sounds so exciting...

IFFAH... beg your parents... fake a cry even if you have to... >.< join me... so that I can have a friend...

1. praying is not a problem (unlike in SGP)
2. there are some Muslims stalls being set up there too (food)
3. we won't be going there alone...there is also another grp of students from MARA (a prestigious science sch in MAS)
4. there are hostels available
5. student to teacher ratio is 8:1
6. the asians are separated from the locals( more English used instead of Russian)
7. It is probably a 6 yr course...or 7 if one don't do that well
8. the houseman ship(practical) may be in Russian but there are nurses available to guide you along...

hehe ^^ hope you can come...^^
oh by the way...the cost is about RM32 000 per yr ... ^^ so the maximum expenditure is about RM280 000 - this one includes excessive shopping in Russia, food, lodging and 12 air tickets to-and-fro....so yeah RM280 000 is way more than enough in fact right according to my mother's friend... if you are not the sort who spend money... you will only need RM230 000...this includes EVERYTHING and some shopping... ^^ haha

cheers -smiles =)

2009-04-29T20:11:00.002+08:00

Have collected the withdrawal form from the GO. Tomorrow I will be interviewed by the P or VP ... =_=; haha the cat is out of the bag... oh well the news will spread fast...I guess ^.= ... hmm it will all turn out well ... everything is going to be okey... From now till September, I have to learn how to cook, go shopping for winter clothing, learn Russian, study up a bit to get prepared...create contacts with people who are also choosing the same paths as me... ^^ haha, be mentally prepared for anything that lies ahead of me and etc ....

No problem I guess... but I feel guilty a little...leaving all my new found friends from IJC and old friends in Singapore and Malaysia ... but it's a sacrifice that I have to make ... I will also be away from my family... I will be in Russia ... alone ...

----not confirm anyways...but yeah... I have to shape my path so
I'm shaping it now... no regrets or what-so-ever. Everything has got their pros and cons ... so the best thing to do is to make the best out of it and twist the situation so that it is at my own advantage ... I believe I can do it...no matter what lies ahead of me I must be brave and persevere ... no one will make my dream come true... but me... I have to get motivation from others and create my own motivation...

-it will all work out somehow...
tomorrow I will be officially leaving school...
a burden off my chest but a huge bolder may soon replace it
but thats ok...^^ ganbatte